The Year That Was 2012: Review Special

Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster was born early in 2012. Super.
Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster was born in early 2012. Super.

It’s been an incredible year (sort of) with all sorts of stuff (kind of) going on. Actually, 2012 was just another year of utter mayhem in the circus act of humanity, but there was some fun stuff along the way! Hey! For instance… erm… oh, Felix Baumgartner’s (yes, that’s his real surname) fearless space jump was pretty epic. In the music world The Stone Roses had a heroic reformation and delighted millions of their fans, but in the movie world it was Plot Hole 2012 as we had sweeping epics such as The Dark Knight Rises and Prometheus promising so much and delivering so little. Prometheus did, at least, deliver the worst script of the year (“It’s Christmas, Captain, and I want to open my presents!”), whereas Batman’s trilogy closer was just a middling romp of exasperation. Oh well.

So, get deep down and funky with us as we take a closer look at some of the things that went down in 2012. Yo ho ho, it’s been one heck of a ride, good sir/madam!

——————————

Politics

"I have absolutely no idea where I am."
Boris Johnson: “I have absolutely no idea where I am.”

“OMG start with a fun one, why don’t you!?!?!?” you snort. Well, get lost! We’re covering politics first. Obviously the big thing was the American election, where the world held its breath and, thankfully, received four more years for an intelligent man, rather than a delusional Mormon who has dreams about binders full of women. In England there’s a thing of sorts where the Scottish wish to be independent from the UK, and in the meantime Boris Johnson (our mop haired Mayor of London) get stuck in mid-air during a publicity stunt. The highlight of the year? Indeed.

Space

The beigey, brown planet Mars.
The beigey, brown planet Mars.

NASA successfully landed the Curiosity Rover on Mars for the most in depth examination of Mars rock and dust ever. Historic stuff. It kind of makes you wish you could jump forward 100 years and see what the boffins in the future can manage, as there’s a limit to the excitement you can well up inside of you regarding some rocks. Elsewhere, the Voyager I Rover (launched by NASA in 1977) is still blasting through space and is set to be the first human made object to leave the Solar System shortly. Wicked! Oh, and Felix did his Space Jump (sponsored by Red Bull, don’t you forget!!!!!!!!).

Music

Keith Moon was not available to play at the London Olympics.
Keith Moon was not available to play at the London Olympics.

X-Factor, One “AAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! I WANT THEIR BABIES!!!!!!!!!!” Direction, Little Mix, Justin “I’ll give you my pet Hamster for free!”* Bieber, Girls Aloud reformed (the band with the truly odious, Spurious Queen Cheryl Cole/Tweedy) and other such guff. In better news The Rolling Bones… sorry, Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary with another tour. The Who also kicked things off again with another tour of Quadrephenia. You may wonder how they manage it without Keith Moon; they have the excellent Zak Starkey (no idea about the name, but he’s Ringo Star’s son. I know what you’re thinking, but he is actually a brilliant drummer) and some other guy instead of John Entwistle on bass. The weirdest music story was how the London Olympics committee failed to notice that Moon had been dead since 1978, either this or they decided even death wasn’t going to get in their way! They rang up The Who’s management and asked if Keith would be willing to play at the opening ceremony in September 2012. Quite.

There was, of course, the glorious return of The Stone Roses after a 22 year absence of the classic line-up. Ian Brown’s voice may sound a bit dodgy at times (the perils of smoking, kids), but everything else was sorted. With songs as stunning as Waterfall and Sally Cinnamon you really can’t go wrong, and genius drummer Reni (Britain’s best since Keith Moon) was back after 16 years as a recluse. Huzzah!

*Justin Bieber did indeed give away his pet hamster to one of his irrational fans. The little beast is, according to the fan, alive and well.

Films

"I'm armed and dangerous, sweetie darling!"
“I’m armed and dangerous, sweetie darling!”

Well, well, well, well. It was a year of a disappointment in many ways. The hugely overhyped (and overrated) The Dark Knight Rises and Skyfall arrived to great fanfare and rave reviews. Truth is they’re a bit middling. But at least they stepped over Prometheus with its disastrous attempts at profundity and laughably bad script. Then the Hobbit tried to bore us all with its themes of walking and talking, but at least Looper delivered a funky sci-fi blow, and The Master reinstated Paul-Thomas Anderson as the master of Hollywood. For us the movie highlight of the year was getting to see Jaws on the big screen for the first time. Glory be, ’twas superb (modern directors take note)!

Food

Chipmunks prove they're not just addicted to chips.
Chipmunks prove they’re not just addicted to chips.

There were no major food revelations in 2012, really. Eat veg and you’ll be thinner and healthier is the general idea. We wish they’d discovered something on Mars or in space; Lunar Burgers, perhaps. These little beasts would be full of delicious space warms and would be super healthy for you but would be as enjoyable as a pint of ice cream. And, really, this is why we’re so intent on discovering more about Space, right? We want low-fat ice cream!

The Environment

Jeff the Iceberg.
Jeff the Iceberg.

The icebergs of the Antarctic are melting and we’re all buggered, basically. Heck, at least it won’t really kick off in our lifetimes, eh!

In a great piece of news, corporate gits Shell were slammed with an epic billion dollar fine for causing a horrendous oil spill in the not too undistant past. Take that, you blaggards!

Sport

The London Olympics in action.
The London Olympics in action.

Yeah, The Olympics. Whoop dee doo! Lots of running and medals and stuff. Ace. Meantime the excellently named Bradley Wiggins was the first British chap to win the Tour de France, Sebastian Vettel clocked up his third consecutive Formula One World Driver’s Championship, F1 legend Michael Schumacher retired, and Manchester City won the football league thing. Little Billy and Little Susy also won the Three Legged Race at St. Jefferson’s High School in Jefferson Valley. Indeed.

The most shameful moment was Lance Armstrong’s removal from the cycling world for clocking up some 7 titles all with the aid of performance enhancing drugs. For shame, sir! For shame.

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