Every now and then us lot here at Professional Moron like to take a look at figures from history. Today we return to a bloke who’s been mentioned a fair few thymes by us, but even if you’re a regular here you probably won’t remember Diogenes and his epic Barrel. We last mentioned the legendary man back on the 6th of January 2013, having previously given him a slot on our blog on November 16th 2012, and inaugurated him with Professional Moron on April 17th 2012 with a look at some of history’s greatest eccentrics. His lineage on our blog aside, the big D was a man who hung about Alexander The Great’s parliament thing. Having become bored of his life in the echelons of society he did away with his possessions and went to live in a barrel. Alexander, upon visiting the guy to see what he was playing at, is believed to have remarked about wishing he had Diogenes’ non-materialistic views. Fast forward to 2013 and the guy could not be more far removed from Western society of today, what with its obsession with bloody fast food joints, mobile bloody phones, -i-bloody-pods, kin-bloody-dles, fashion bloody accessories etc. It makes us rage with anger just thinking about all that nonsense!
The big D once quipped, “I know nothing, except the fact of my ignorance” and this is, you know, pretty apt as the man lived in a barrel. Anyway, regarding his quote we thought it was somewhat paradoxical – we concluded the man was a blasted hypocrite! We have since changed our mind and would like to highlight the benefits of life in a barrel. Onward!
5 Benefits of Living in a Barrel
1- If you’re one for collecting scabrous diseases and filth then, naturally, this is a very good option,
2- You (probably) don’t have to pay any rent and, when rat infestations do occur, they’re (possibly) fairly easy to get rid of (“Er… how?” you might ask – ever heard of kinetic energy and your fists, stupid?),
3- If you’re partial to annoying sores then spending your day frolicking about in a barrel is likely to bring about many of these to your skin! Scratching galore! Once you grow tired of the increasing agony brough about by these gaping wounds, you can go for a nice stroll around the streets. Taking in the putrid city air will clear your pores and aid your sinuses and clog your lungs!
4- Making sandwiches will become a fair bit easier as you don’t really have to move around as much during the preparation. Please recall how annoying having to walk about your kitchen for different products is. Now, imagine your sandwich supplies being right next to you in your barrel! Amazing (just don’t roll over them in your sleep)!
5- Your social life will go through the roof as you’ll soon find homeless people, drunks, and odious chavs sharing the barrel with you. Never fear as you will be able to charge them rent, and you can make your barrelmate clean your home with a hose every week instead of being faced with this chore yourself. Bliss!
Like the idea of your own personal (tautology – we do apologise!) barrel to live in? Want to throw off the restraints of contemporary life and abandon all your responsibilties? Then head over to your nearest pub and find yourself an empty beer barrel to live in; every new Diogenes has to start somewhere!