Are Bridges Useful?

Solkan bridge in Slovenia. It’s the white thing in the background.

Whilst today’s blog post is an opportunity to show off some fancy photography, it also lets us answer one of the oldest known questions facing humanity. It is a controversy which has been raging for some 6,000 years when, back in antiquity, Mr. Bridge built the first known bridge. As bridges go it was a bit rubbish (according to sources from the time) and Mr. Bridge was laughed out of his home town, Bridgefordshire. Returning a decade later, he promptly constructed a bridge three times better than his first bridge, and locals simply treated the invention with indifference on this occasion. Presto hey, the bridge was born! 6,000 years later and your average bridge is now a work of art! Bridges can span miles at a time, and look super ace when blown up for movies (which happens on the hugely disappointing Batman: The Dark Knight Rises).

However, the dark, deep, tragic question remains. Whilst bridges certainly look great, are they actually really useful? Professional Moron takes a look. Hold onto your butts.


Ruhrtalbrücke Bridge, Mulheim, Germany.

Sweeping and majestic, and also utterly useless.
Sweeping and majestic, and also utterly useless.

 If the name’s as inexplicable to you as it is to us, at least this bridge looks as pretty to us as it will (and should) to you. If that makes sense. A glorius bridge. Is it useful, though? Not at all, no. I mean, you can’t even pitch a tent on the thing for the evening. Rubbish!

Gaoliang Bridge, China


Sure, it looks nice, but what happens if you need to get a convoy of trucks laden with marmite and pop tarts over it? It’s just not going to happen, is it? No! And all those people who really, really want marmite and pop tarts for breakfast will have to go without. As a bridge, then, it’s naff.

Vasco de Gama Bridge, Lisbon, Portugal

Wow! I can't see a thing!
Wow! I can’t see a thing!

Look at this one! You can’t even see where you’re going if you venture onto this bridge. Steer well clear, mortal humans, for this is the World’s Most Ineffectual Architectural Bridge Thing.

Golden Gate Bridge

Er, what year is it?
Er, what year is it?

This bridge was so expensive to build the surrounding environment had to be reduced to black and white. All in all, then, we’d say this whole endeavour was an utter waste of time.

Bridge over (troubled water?) Drina River in Višegrad

But there's no room for the launch pad!
But there’s no room for the launch pad!

Idyllic? Yes. Pretty? Yes. Scenic? Yes. Sublime? Yes. Useful? No. As if “they” would be able to launch the latest space shuttles off of this thing. Honestly, some folk just have no respect for the space program.

Conclusion: Are bridges useful?

Look closely, there is a bridge there. And it's useless!
Look closely, there is a bridge there. And it’s useless!

Not at all, no.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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