Here at Professional Moron we’re (as we explain on our Twitter feed @CreativeMoron) “pallid northerners”. This is no joke, sir/madam, as we are from the North of England and there really isn’t much sunlight here.

Quite. So lots of folk around here have a rather pale complexion; we like this, though, as, personally, we can’t stand the fake tan/tanned look. It reeks of… burnt flesh. Actually that’s always confused us; why does your skin change colour, yet your eyebrows don’t? Why don’t eyebrows get a tan as well? Bloody racist Sun. The Universe aint what it used to be, eh? Back in my day it used to sear every strand of hair off of your body!

Anyway, Bora Bora is an aesthetically, and rather idealised, island in the Leeward group of the Society Islands of French Polynesia.

Famous current residents include Elvis Presley, JFK, Margaret Thatcher, Buddy Rich, Babe Ruth, and Barack Obama. Still, we can’t help but think the place is a bit of a dive. We’d much rather it were a bit more, you know, homely. So we came up with a list on how to improve it. Glorious!

More Baboons!

Baboons are regularly considered to be the most dangerous animals on Earth. Unpredictable, psychotic, wild, verbose, loud, effeminate, and foul smelling; they are the very worst of nature combined with a bright red arse and massive great big teeth. Obviously they would be ideal for Bora Bora. The more the merrier, and when we mean “more” we’re talking about at least 300,000.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Lookalike!

At least 10,000 Big Arnie doppelgangers should be made to wander around the island. It would be great!

There would be a Schwarzenegger Safari, amongst other events, to showcase the iron pumping action hero in the wild. Lookalikes will be encouraged to wrestle with local wildlife, spout his famous movie lines, and work out in local gyms. Wicked! Time to practice those Arnold noises.

Arbitrary Explosions

It’s too peaceful on the island so explosions every 10 minutes would keep things lively. Obviously, for safety reasons, visitors on the island will be given pamphlets and maps of where all the explosions will be going off. This should avoid any unfortunate “accidents”.

A Few Shuttle Launch Pads

Imagine being at one with nature AND getting to see the regular launch of a Space Shuttle? Well with at least half a dozen launch pads around the Bora Bora island you could live the dream. Just, you know, swim *giggle snort guffaw* well back! Those things kick up quite a lot of life threatening fireballs.

A Bazooka Shop

A lot of holidays can, really, be very boring. Bora Boring is no different. So, why not open the world’s first Bazooka Shop on the shores of a beach? The island has an issue with seagulls (probably) so this would be a handy way to get the population down. Innit.