Use Your Head: Open Stuff The Easy Way

“Hello there!”

The sad truth is a lot of food stuffs, products, and other day to day items are packaged in packaging which is difficult to unpackage. In short, you’re often left wondering, “Just how the heck do I get into this egg?” or “The baked beans are still in the tin… how do I get them out of the tin? I’ve tried chewing at the tin but now I don’t have teeth anymore. Hmmmmm… this tin opening procedure is most perplexing.” It is tragedies such as this which has made Professional Moron realise it’s just not good enough to have no proper openers for stuff. In fact, it’s a bloody outrage!

So, hoiking up his underpants our very own Mr. Wapojif went on a hunt for the perfect implement to solve this dilemma. In took many hours of thinking, thunking, and all round intellectualising and, in the early hours of yesterday (well, today) he came up with the perfect solution to all of this woe. Your skull! Read on for advice on the discovery Mr. Wapojif has called, “Skullerific”!




For most people, the horror of cracking an egg is whether the yolk will break -if it does then you are a failure as a human being. Why should you live with this daily terror? Make sure your yolks always break by wildly smacking an egg across your skull! Obviously you lose a fair bit of the egg stuff in the process, so (if you’re making an omelette, for instance) you might want to have a dozen or so eggs handy to get the required food product.


"Me smash wiv own skull!"
“Me smash wiv own skull!”

If you’re a bit short on nails then opening a fizzy drink can be an utter nightmare. Enter Skullerific! This one’s a bit painful and can often lead to the dissemination of blood across your head, but it’s totally worth it! Repeatedly smash the can across your head until it is open and you can consume the product. Please note: Sometimes you will be rendered unconscious before the product dispenses with its liquid content.



Bored of the faff created by using your hands to open a car door? Why not use your skull? We figure, to complete this successfully (yes, we haven’t tried it yet! We don’t have a car, you see), you’ll need to head butt your way through the windscreen/side window and then slither through into the car. Obviously once you’ve done this you can then just climb through the hole on subsequent occasions.


Going out of business! Smash your skull in there, quick!
Going out of business! Smash your skull in there, quick!

It’s a bit boring entering shops in the traditional way. If, like us, you’re thoroughly bored with convention then it’s about time your start using your head! A good, swift head butt to a shop’s window/door should see you’re entering the premises in reasonably good time. The one downside to this is shops often expect you to pay for the damage. Oh, and the police sometimes get called, and even the ambulance if you knock yourself out. And we’ve also been issued with bans from the property, and Mr. Wapojif also ended up in jail for a few fays.


"Oh well, I had better smash my head on these bars until I'm outta here!"
“Oh well, I had better smash my head on these bars until I’m outta here!”

If you end up in jail then now’s the chance to use Skullerific to the ultimate test! Can one break out of jail with just your skull? Well, we’d like to debate it is possible, probably, improbable, and a distinct possible impossibility. Still, should you be in the situation where you’re behind bars what exactly have you got to lose? At worst you’ll just pass out and, consequently, pass a bit of your sentence unconscious. At best you’ll actually break out Shawshank Redemption style! Huzzah!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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