Would You Go On A Date With a Planet?

This is Jupiter – an uncompromising psychotic ball of gas.

Space, yeah? It’s a bit confusing. It’s also a bit massive. Not in a “you’re morbidly obese” way, it’s just light-years we’re talking about here. I mean, NASA’s Voyager II has been blasting through space for 30+ years and it’s only jus leaving the Solar System. That trip to the shop? Snot very far. However, we got to thinking, “Why shouldn’t you want to date a planet? They’re pretty straight forward.” When we write “straight forward” we mean vast and unconquerable and incomprehensible but, then, isn’t your average man like that? “Don’t even go there sister!” Oh yeah, we went there.

So we decided to check out the planets and see which ones are dateable. Innit.



"Go away."
“Go away.”

It’s the Moon. Grey. Stupid. A bit lifeless. It has this habit of lingering about the place. Make of that what you will, but it’s the Moon. It’s grey. Duh.


"Er, what is your problem?"
“Er, what is your problem?”

One of the brightest stars in our Solar System, Venus is also one of the most bland. Featureless? Indeed. Sporadically violent? Yes. Utterly confusing? Correct. Approach it at your peril, sir/madame.


"Ruddy 'ell... 'ey up. Where am I?"
“Ruddy ‘ell… ‘ey up. Where am I?”

This place is famous for its flamboyance – those rings are impressive. It may be showy but Saturn is an enormously obese beast weighing around 750 million tonnes (that’s a guess on our part). Hanging around with it would be like eating Ham and Jam Sandwiches. If you like that then this place is epic. Otherwise it’s a gas giant about as hospitable as a nuclear warhead.


“What do you want, dammit?”

Vast (impossibly so), dwarfing, confusing, insane, weird, colossal, disturbing? Yeah, that’s Jupiter. It’s best to avoid it by a million miles or so. Why? Well there’s a storm cloud on there that’s been raging for hundreds of years. A party? No thanks! Still, if mayhem’s your thing then this place is for you.



Okay, the Sun’s a star. We feel the need to mention it here as it’s, you know, the reason why we’re all here. But it is scary. And vast. And horrifying. Keep your distance, mate.

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