Right, Professional Moron haven’t strictly been camping in about… well, since back in August 2006 when Mr. Wapojif  camped his ass off at a music festival in England. He’s not been camping since and, frankly, those frozen nights on a very grassy floor mean it’s unlikely he will be returning sometime soon. Perhaps his pessimism is about his lack of preparation for the whole thing. He did have only a naff, unfluffy sleeping bag, meaning he might as well have just lain himself flat out on the floor outside in the cold. Whoo hah hah hah! Camping does have a certain allure, mind, much like climbing Mount Everest. The problem is we’ll never do either and it’s probably for the best in both cases. Actually we will go camping again at some point, just not up Miss. Everest. And why? A touch cold, laddie!

You can if you so wish, though! And why not, the thrills of camping are well known! Rain, naff food, trudging around, great scenery, being at one with nature, and one of you is bound to have a fall at some point which is always a laugh. Plus you get to enjoy such beautiful scenes as one can observe in the picture. Clearly, then, we’ve been bashing camping for no reason. Ditch it all and head away from the rat race as soon as possible, but make sure you have the right tools to enjoy your trip! Step in Professional Moron with our handy guide!

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A bobble hat

The basics are best when camping, of course, and there’s nothing quite like the latest fashion clobber to take you up a hill somewhere. Bobble hats are the most important item and they are very much in vogue these days; witness Kate Moss strutting her stuff with one recently (possibly a lie). You’re not getting to the top of Everest without one of these things, let’s put it that way. Bobble hats are vital as they keep your head warm, and the bobble allows for easy removal should your head suddenly become jammed between a bear’s hungry jaws.

500 bars of Kendal Mint Cake

This stuff will save you from wasting away when you’re high up a mountain. Innit. Not only is KMC a really, really, REALLY tasty little treat but it will also save your life. Lugging a few hundred bars of this in your backpack will guarantee your survival in even the most harsh of mountain ranges. And, if the worst comes to the worst and you get stuck somewhere, it can all be melted down into one pan so you have a Kendal Mint Cake Soup. Drink that and you’ll overdose on sugar, thusly having an easier end than freezing to death.

A Samurai Sword

We can never understand why someone might take an axe with them when camping when, surely, a Samurai Sword is much more threatening, practical, and useful! Plus imagine surprising your fellow campers by emerging from the woods with one of those things being wielded into the air, replete piercing war cry and total nudity! That would make the news, we can bet you that much. Awesome!

Three Dozen Pot Noodles

You’re going to need food and, frankly, modern humans aren’t really up to the task of catching and killing animals out in the wild. The best bet is just to boil up some water and make a Pot Noodle or two. Hearty, filling, lazy, and so downright contemporary it makes us weep with joy!

Semtex

If you’ve seen 127 Hours you’ll probably want to have to forego hacking your arm off with a penknife. Now you can Substitute ( “You think my shoes are made of leattherrrrr!”) this in favour of blowing up whatever has trapped you. Much easier, see? “But what could possibly save us this arm hacking fate?!” you squeak. Semtex to the rescue! Just detonate some of this on whatever’s blocking you (don’t forget to shield your eyes) and you’ll be homeward bound before you can say, “Hang on, I appear to have acquired some shrapnel wounds and limb loss in the recent explosion!”