It’s 2014 and we’re likely to see all manner of new pointless gadgets this year for no reason. At the moment it’s curved mobile phones (Apple, Samsung, and all that other bollo) which are all the rage as they’re curved and this means they’re in line with the curvature of the Earth. Through this they can speed up their actions by 0.000000001 of a second. Each curved phone costs £600, but it’s okay! Once you’ve bought this one it’ll be obsolete in 6 months as the updated curved model will be released. Costing £650, it will be 0.000000002 of a second faster. Dispense with your hard earned money for no reason!

Anyway, anti-mobile phone rant aside, we’d really like to see some useful technology hit the world some time soon. To assist in this matter we’ve got our heads screwed on correctly and given it some serious damn thought. The result is quite spectacular and, really, we should have companies around the world knocking on our virtual door for the rights. We demand £1 billion per idea, although we are willing to haggle down to around £200. Why? As we’re not power crazy, money grubbing (grabbing?) corporate maniacs. Is why. No, we’re Professional Morons and gentlemanly to the last. Now get on with reading the damn article, idiots!

1. Personal Einstein Brain In A Jar

This would be a big hit. Most humans have decent intelligence. Some are above average. Others are as thick as a cake layered in mud and cement (known as the Cement and Mud Cake). Occasionally there’s the odd genius – Albo Einstein was one of them. Imagine, then, with modern technology being able to have a portable version of his noggin to solve all of life’s problems! “Crap, I forgot what ten divided by three is. Einstein?” And he’d tell you (it’s, like, 12 or something). Other issues, such as the meaning of life, he could postulate to you whilst you picked lustily at your nostrils. Oh man, this thing would be too good to be true.

2. Rat Phone

Mobile phone theft is on the up. Tired of having your phone stolen? Buy the Rat Phone! It would look like a enormous soggy great big rat, replete with putrid sewer stink. Whenever you received a message/phone call it make would make a piercing shrieking noise to mortify potential thieves to their very core. Available in the following rat looks: dead, diseased, Bacillus Plague, pet (the girly option), run over, and rotting.

3. Maggot Earplugs

Tired of having your earplugs stolen? These authentic looking Maggot Earplugs should be enough of a deterrent for any swindler. With their hyper realistic maggot appearance, they come bundled with a built in squirm mode. At 20 second intervals, for real-time maggot legitimacy, the things will wriggle about wildly – in or out of your ears. A perfect gift this impending Valentine’s Day.

4. The Shed Watch

Knowing the time is always handy, as is being able to store your garden tools in stuff. Enter the Shed Watch – a watch which is also a shed. At the press of a button your digital time teller will warp into your garden shed, allowing you easy easy to your favourite shovel in record thyme. Super!

5. Nicolas Cage Bazooka

Action film star Nic Cage (50 today) has come out with some great one liners over the years. “Put… the bunny… back… in the box” being a highlight from 1997’s Con Air. Imagine having this massive array of quotable lines to do away with ruffians – all of it compactly within reach in the shape of a bazooka. The Cazooka (C for Cage, you see, which is a kind of link to the actor) would be shaped like Cage, and when you “fired” the device one of his many quotes would be emitted at ear crushingly high decibels. Earplugs not provided (perhaps try our Maggot Earplugs at #3!!!!!).

6. Passive Aggressive Roomba

A Roomba is a device you place on your floor which goes about the place cleaning. If you’ve seen Breaking Bad, Jesse has one in his house. Our take on the Roomba is to add a (passively) sadistic edge to the bugger. After switching it on the thing often won’t bother doing any cleaning. Instead it’ll loiter in the kitchen drinking your beer whilst flirting with the cat. When you repeatedly chide it, the Roomba will obstinately get on with its duties. Poorly. Drunkenly bumping about your property, it’ll spray most of the dust all over the place, and will leave telling notes behind such as, “Why don’t you clean the place yourself, you stupid, fat, lazy bastard?” The cost of this somewhat useless item will be around the £3,000 ($5,000) mark.

7. Whatever This Is

We’re not really sure what’s going on here, but for some reason we feel having this guy/contraption around would be useful.