What If History’s Greatest Composers HADN’T Been Composers?

Is that you, Beethoven?

We listen to a lot of classical music here at Professional Moron. We’ve often thought what these dudes would have done had they not had this creative capacity. As an example we’ll use Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. By age 5 he had concertos on the go, and by age 8 it was full scale operas. Putting it mildly this is a bit odd. When he was 8 Mr. Wapojif spent most of his time shouting “Poo!” and “Wee!” at high volume. His genius would stretch to combining the two into verbose sentences. Behold, “Poo! Poo poo, wee wee! Poo!” At 17 Mozart composed THIS incredible piece, eventually going on to write over 600 compositions before dying at only 35. Most folk at age 17 are busy worrying about the D they just got in Psychology at college, whether they smell worse than their peers, and wondering why they don’t look like the models and celebrities they see plastered all over the internet. “Siggghhh…. if only one had Liam Neeson’s voice. All the guy’s would be falling at my feet!” and etc.

This hypothetical post examines an alternate Universe where the world’s greatest geniuses realised they were useless musicians. Reduced to subordinate, dribbling scumbags, they attempted to fork out a living with their vacuous business ideas. Ultimately they were doomed to failure, although some found solace in unusual areas. Dammit! If only they’d tried harder at school!

Chopin’s Shoppin’

"I'm sorry, your Polish food looks far too healthy. I can't eat something unless it's guaranteed to kill me eventually."
“I’m sorry, your Polish food looks far too healthy. I can’t eat something unless it’s guaranteed to kill me eventually.”

Having realised he was a useless pianist, Chopin moved from Paris to Burnley to set up a local Off Licence. With a regionalised play on his surname the store opened with great fanfare. Xenophobic locals quickly failed to take to the Polish man’s idiosyncratic ways. Indeed, the healthy and diverse food stuffs Chopin stocked went far away from the standard artery clogging, obesity promoting sludge the Burnley residents were used to. Eventually, bored of the dreary setting, Chopin moved to London and became the Queen of England.

Bach’s Bark

Bark.
Bark.

Bach grew bored of composing in his early 20s and moved to Tokyo in order to promote dubious tea products. Before he left Bach stockpiled 30 tonnes of bark (stolen from his native Germany’s forests), robbed a bank, and fled to the vast Japanese city. Marketing the tea as “Super Mario Tea 64” he immediately found huge success as clueless locals failed to cotton onto the con. At the height of his success Bach was unfortunately abducted by aliens and was never heard from again.

Beethoven’s Beetroot Farm

Beetroot's great with everything. Except Cornflakes.
Beetroot’s great with everything. Except Cornflakes.

By age 19 Beethoven realised he just did not cut it in the world of music. Disappointed, he emigrated to Scotland and moved into a hut on the top of Scotland’s highest mountain – Ben Nevis. Determined to be a successful beetroot farmer, the German realised after 10 weeks the altitude and adverse weather conditions were destroying his crops. Bored of farming, he moved to America to become a Beat Generation writer. Unfortunately, he too was abducted by aliens before his plans came to fruition.

Arvo Pärt’s Beard Growing University

Jim Morrison passed the course so well he was arrested for alleged cheating.
Jim Morrison passed the course effortlessly. He was later arrested for alleged cheating.

It takes talent to grow a massive great big beard. Arvo Pärt has more than mastered it. In his youth he dallied with virtuoso violin compositions. Realising this was a moronic pursuit, he went into business to become a multi-squillionaire (this isn’t a money thing – a squillionaire is someone who owns many, many, many, many squirrels). His first business endeavour (Arvo Pärt’s Spare Body Parts) was a success, allowing him to open a Beard Growth University in the 1950s. Ever since, the good folk of Europe have flocked to the master to grow an epic beard. Notable alumni include Jim Morrison and pretty much every member of The Band.

Mozart The Inventor

Boooooooooooom!
Boooooooooooom!

Mozart gave up music in his teens in pursuit of his real dream: inventing stuff. Unfortunately he didn’t have much creative flair in this regard as he was always humming genius compositions. Undeterred by this ineffective creative side, Mozart created a myriad of useless, highly dangerous items. Some of them were the following:

  • An exploding toilet. For cleanliness reasons it detonated after each use.
  • An early version of The Selfie. This involved turning some parchment around and scribbling what you think you look like, and what you thought was going on in the background.
  • Several security devices. The most notable was his Exploding Door. A burglar deterrent, the door would explode when opened – there were obvious drawbacks to this. He also fashioned a self-defence weapon – an elongated sword which would explode on contact with an enemy. This added effect had a habit of shredding the sword owner’s arm. Mozart, when questioned about this design defect, is believed to have quipped, “What is the problem? A man still has a second arm to hold one of my swords!”.
  • Aesthetically pleasing plastic decorative plants which would explode if anyone tried to steal them.

Eventually Mozart was labeled a threat to society and imprisoned. He escaped on the first day as the prison had unwittingly, in a cost saving measure, purchased Mozart’s discount Exploding Doors. Subsequent eruptions leveled the prison, and Mozart fled to Hollywood to become a movie star. He still acts to this day under the stage name Sean Connery.

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