Professional Moron’s Fashion Tips For 2014

2014's Big Prediction: Dungarees are BACK!
2014’s Big Prediction: Dungarees are BACK!

Yeah, we don’t really know anything about fashion here in the Professional Moron office.

Mr. Wapojif has no interest in spending his limited funds on some new jumper which costs £80 and will probably fall apart in 10 months. Instead, our glorious editor takes to wearing the same old insipid stuff. Week in, week out.

One day, when he has robbed a bank and is rich, Mr. Wapojif will purchase lots of nice new stuff: really good quality organic eggs, those coat stands which don’t fall over if you throw your coat on, a kettle which boils REALLY quickly, and maybe a great big pink afro wig. What he won’t buy is clothes – ever again. Well, okay, maybe again at some point, but he does expect to be able to wear his current clothes relentlessly for the next 10 years.

Despite this disinterest in fashion, Mr. Wapojif considers himself an expert on all things fashionable. As with any narcissistic ignoramus, he knows what good fashion is. Skinny Jeans, for instance, isn’t good fashion. We’re going to stress this a lot today. What is good fashion?

The great fashionable stalwart Burt Bacharach is always a good one to turn to for inspiration. Plus us: so we divulge what we have in store for the fashion world, with an array of new ideas which, if a hit, will be hitting the nearest fashion outlet… near you. So, onwards comrades! Learn what you must wear this year of 2014.

Afraid? Yes, you very merry well ruddy should well have been. As a consequence, and for your safety, DO NOT attempt to recreate any of the below clothing inventions. You have been warned.

Distress Flares

For moments of distress in 2014. Let the public know when bad stuff has happened!
For moments of distress in 2014. Let the public know when bad stuff has happened!

Flares have been around since the ‘70s. Distress flares even longer. No one has ever thought of combining the two – until now! Yes, with Professional Moron’s Distress Flares you’ll not only look stylish, but for those distressing moments you can let EVERYONE know how distressed you are.

iPhone battery run out? No one paying attention to you on Facebook? Broken a nail? Been ignored by someone on a dating website? Set one of these bad boys off and everyone with a 10 mile radius will be aware of your dilemma!

The flares are sewn into the flares by hand, and one yank on an emergency cord leads to a cacophony of phosphorous colour and noise. Shrieking, whizzing, popping, whizz banging (like the scene in BFG, basically), the flares will denote your current situation and, as is morally expected, people will flock to you with advice and assistance. It’s a narcissist’s dream!


Brad Pitt's
Brad Pitt’s “I wish I had put me dungarees on!” look of steely anger. There’s good acting.

You heard it hear first! Due to the continued popularity of Mario from Super Mario, dungarees are back in fashion. To be honest, they never was out of fashion. You know? Even Brad Pitt strolling down the road in these would be at the very height of sophistication.

As we’re the creative geniuses we oar, are Dungarees are made out of the finest dung available. Indeed, only the finest British farms have been ransacked for 20 tonnes of putrid dung. Look, and smell, your very best with our Dungarees!

Bag Hats

Imagine wearing THIS on your skull. Everyone would WIN with such a fashion statement!
Imagine wearing THIS on your skull. Everyone would WIN with such a fashion statement!

Sick of having to carry bags around with you? Our Bag Hats are the answer! With their elongated, curved “top bits” you can throw whatever you want in there and balance it all on the top of your cranium. Your arms need never get tired again, such is the miracle of Bag Hats! Available in pink and yellow only. RRP £500.



We’re fed of seeing fur used in the fashion industry. It’s disgusting some rich SNOBS feel the need to wear a dead animal. Like Ace Venture: Pet Detective, we’re repulsed by such inhumane actions to non-humans. This is why we’re touting  Myrrh as the replacement for fur. It smells good, looks food (ish), and has a greasy essential oil sheen you’re not going to find anywhere else (except with olive oil – so maybe we’ll include free sachets of Extra Virgin Olive Oil with each Myrrh coat/sock/handbag/belt/scarf/earmuffs).

Pointless Wigs

Everyone... looks... AWESOME!
Everyone… looks… AWESOME!

For whatever reason, wearing wigs became popular in many nations at some point in time. Take the 17th century. To be honest, we like this a great deal and would like to see this return. We’ve stated this before, long ago, on our blog, but 2014 should see the return of Pointless Wigs!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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