Professional Moron Looks Back: Advice for Mr. Wapojif’s Teenage Self

Teenagers in the olden days.

Courtesy of Spaghetti Squiggles we’ve been offered more questions to answer. What do we like at Professional Moron? QUESTIONS! We have an addiction to answering them, yo, so we wasted no time in getting this lot thrashed out. No, this time it’s all about what advice our very own lunatic editor, Mr. Wapojif, would give to his younger self. A teenage Mr. Wapojif. First off, we’d better write a description of Mr. Wapojif as a younger man. Now aged 29 he’s become an embittered and belligerent sort, but in his yoof he was as happy as a daisy, leaping about and always laughing. It was one of those disturbing laughs, though. The sort which chills your blood and terrifies you to your very core. Happily, as he got older, this laugh disappeared and was replaced with sullen sociopathic tendencies.

As a teenager Mr. Wapojif could be observed behaving like an idiot. When not being stupid and silly, he would be throw eggs at people, setting his trousers on fire, or scaling buildings with a mop and a bucket for no reason. Such was his subversive nature. Anyway, to help further this all we THROW at you these six questions which have been answered with the most deep down honesty we could ever ruddy well muster. Onwards, comrades!

1. List 3 make-up or fashion DO’S

  1. Despite wharrt anyone says, wearing cheese is not a problem. Now, we know cheese stinks bad. BUT! Who hates cheese? Only idiots. The problem there is 80% of the planet occupied by human idiots, which is annoying. To adhere to this societal idiocy, just wear skinny jeans. That’s an order, soldier!
  2. FFS, before anyone tells you otherwise, wear jam in your clothes. Carry jam everywhere with you. If  anyone asks why you do this, merely exclaim “I am the Jam expert”, and all will be well. For, you see, Jam is the centre of the Universe.
  3. I would recommend not bothering with whatever paraphernalia you received from your Alien Abduction. No one will believe you anyway, so don’t try it on, sonny jim. If you’re wondering – Mr. Wapojif was taken to the planet Boo and had a very disconcerting experience. The locals were polite and accommodating. COMMUNISTS!

2. List 3 make-up or fashion DON’Ts

  1. Don’t wear skinny jeans, you idiot, it’s a really stupid idea.
  2. Whilst wearing lipstick as a guy may seem bold and the breaking of flimsy social norms, others won’t note your subversive guise in such a manner. You will be beaten with fists by enraged males.
  3. Hair gel. Loads of it! As our normal hair simply wasn’t good enough, boys the school over in the Greater Manchester area had to smear gunk into their head forests in order to look… greasy, or something. We never really did get the craze, but it was damn vital. You hear?!

3. A deep and meaningful piece of advice for yourself

Donut look back and fink, “I should have invented more sandwiches!” This is a wasted life. This is also a wasted sandwich, as, as we all know, as… hang on, we got lost with the amount of “as”s. Wait a minute… wait… ellipses will do until then… no. We lost this one.

4. One tip for school

Never forget school is what taught you stuff. Now “stuff” goes in many directions, such as: cake, jam, cheese, socks, trousers, pegs, those things which fly in the air and squawk, and other such marvels. To be honest, we can’t remember a damn thing about school. If you want to succeed – just remember you’re a genius and the others are total dickheads. Sorted!

5. One tip for Friends

Don’t do another series, it ended perfectly as it did. I mean, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. People say David Schwimmer isn’t handsome, yet you only have to look at him to see he is. This is known as Stupidity. Asides from this, Professional Moron would date Joey, as he’s funny in his moronicism. As for the women… Phoebe! Her all the way. Also, though, Chandler and Joey with the ducks and geese. Man, is that really 20 years ago? Shut your face!

 6. One tip for fun

It’s pretty easy to wind people up and see their hilarious reaction. All you need to do is behave slightly differently to social norms, and watch as people’s notions of society implode. Suggestions for fun: build a shed out of ham. Should do the trick.

Oh, and stay the hell out of Mr. Vagabond’s shed. Whilst I appreciate my young self had no idea he used the thing as a makeshift studio for his secret Opera dream, he should have regarded Mr Vagabond’s general belligerence in the preceding years to the incident. Being chased by a lunatic with a double barreled shotgun as he sang Rigoletto won’t leave one’s memory. Ever. Mr. Wapojif should have stayed at home and eaten Jaffa Cakes. Fun? Whoo yeah!


    • Mercy buckets! We tried to make it as sensible as possible. Heed our words of stupidity and rejoice.

      We always trip down memory lane. Just this morning I thought of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and started doing karate chops and piercing shrieks on the tram to work. One lady said to me, “Do shut up!” with a withering look. Some people. The nerve.


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