We noted there aren’t many films about, or involing, sandwiches. Think about it – when did you last see a film where the word “sandwich” was even muttered? Look at the current batch of films; 12 Years a Slave, Dallas Buyers Club, The Hobbit: Demolition of Smeg, Gravity.
Now we’ve seen Gravity, and not once in the 90 minute running time did we see or hear of sandwiches. What gives, Hollywood? Think of the key plot points which would have made a difference in major films over the years! It doesn’t bare thinking about, except we’re going to in today’s post anyway.
So it’s a Sandwich Appreciation post, as we like sandwiches, as well as a consideration on contemporary and classic films and the plot devices they failed to pick up on.
When you reall fink about it, it’s well stupid, you know, proper stupid that Hollywood have ignored this over the last half century. We’re so annoyed by this we’ve made a few new films up in case we’re talent spotted by Hollywood and drafted in to do some exciting news scripts.
Heck, we’re bound to be a better bet than David Lindelhof (or Prometheus disaster fame), eh? Innit. We mean, the script there was so horrendous is ruined the entire film, which was only average anyway. Yeah, we’re hating on Prometheus again. Dang, bad habits Die Hard, right Bruce Willis?
So, read on if you value your sanity, heathens! To infinity, and tuna and sweetcorn (on malted bread and beyond)!
Remember Jaws? Remember the shark? Remember the political bickering? Remember the bit with the barrels and endless, endless ocean? Remember Quint and Hooper’s class war? Remember Chief Brody’s sandwich making? Yes, through his hard crafted culinary skills on the boat, he was able to keep Quint and Hooper well fed. Then they blew up the shark. End of film. Granted, this different cut BIT 40 minutes from Spielberg’s classic but, you know… sandwiches.
Lord of the Sandwiches
NB: Not Lord of the Flies. This is a Lord of the Rings remake as rings are so last century. Sandwiches are the new commodity. Frodo, Bilbo, the wizard dude (Harry Potter, if we remember correctly), Emma Watson, those endless walking scenes, Gollum. All of it, for the sake of throwing a Fish Finger Sandwich into some volcano. Worthwhile viewing? Oh yeah, guy.
The Shawshank Sandwich
Imprisoned for alleged murder, our intrepid protagonist, a Tuna and Mayonnaise bap, must tunnel out of its cell using its own fillings over the course of 20 years. Battling mould, and the hungry glances of fellow inmates, Tuna and Mayo fights the fight against adversity in this compelling drama/thiller/sandwich meditation.
The Usual Sandwiches
A sequel to 1995’s Keyser Söze fest, The Usual Sandwiches is a crime heist which focuses on banal sandwiches you find at disappointing sandwich stores. You know, when you want a really great sandwich and all that’s left is a Banana and Bacon Butty. No good, man, I want quality over some weird thing. I am hungry, though. Okay, I’ll buy it. Kevin Spacey leads an all star cast as an Egg and Cress Sandwich.
The Silence of the Sandwiches
Brilliant, but evil, Dr. Handmade “Sandwiches” Lecter enjoys eating his sandwiches with fava beans and a nice Happy Hour jug of beer. F-f-f-f-f–f-burp. Enter inexperienced FBI trainee Stirling Moss, who has to endure his drunken, beer belly wobbling presence as he figures out if should give up his day job and become an F1 driver.
It’s a Wonderful Sandwich
This Christmas classic would have been much better if sandwiches had been the reason for such Christmas cheer. What with all the spare turkey and chicken leftover, you’re bound to have all manner of ace sandwiches over the following days. Cheer up, then, George Bailey, there’s no need to jump off a bridge!
Raiders of the Lost Sandwich
Indiana Jones kicks off his latest adventure with a fresh batch of cheek bone defining stubble. Plus whip. His goal? To find out what happened to his Cucumber Sandwich back in the summer of ’33. Was it stolen by aliens? Whatever, he’s angry and he wants it back!
Terminator 2: Sandwich Day
In this remake, Arnold Schwarzenegger returns. This time, he really, REALLY wants his sandwich back from Sarah Connor, and will absolutely not stop, until she hands it over. Oh boy, not even Michael Biehn can save her this thyme.
Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Sandwich
Luke Skywalker sets off across space in order to return sandwiches to the Universe. His plan is simple: even Darth Vader isn’t rude enough to turn down a pleasant tea party with Han, Princess Leia, the enormous man dog thing, and free sandwiches. During this fateful meal, Luke will unleash The Sauce (tomato ketchup) and restore peace and order to all. Bless.
The Deer Sandwich
Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep star in this brutal drama about ‘60s America, when sandwiches were really, really deer. Notably, this film had a lasting impact on extortionate sandwich prices, leading to more affordable sandwiches for all (except Communists).