Dreams Explained For Those Who Do Not Understand Dreams

A chap dreaming about stuff. It happens.
A chap dreaming about stuff. It happens.

Sigmund Broad once postulated about dreams in his legendary tome The Ignoramus of Dreams. Released in 1899, it postulated (NB: we might be using this word a lot today) Broad’s theory of the unconscious brain (and we mean unconscious as in asleep – not passed out drunk or knocked out by a punch from Begbie in Trainspotting) and how it pertains to the subconscious unreality of our being. Or something. Nonsense, we say, this man was a notorious imposter famed for his alter-ego in psychology (or psychiatry, whatever field he was posing in), and whose real name was Harry Houdini, the Welsh magician.

Whilst Broad postulated dreams as “The Royal Road to the Unconscious”, we’re going to better him one and postulate our dream theory as “The Unroyal Road to the Conscious”. Clever, see? Our theories, and this is from the esteemed minds of the Professional Moron staff, are probably fact as we usually write about this sort of stuff. You know? We’ve come up with numerous ideas, which we’ll be discussing and postulating in great scientific detail in today’s blog post. The (probably true) notions are as follows:

  • The band REM invented dreams in the 1980s.
  • Dreams are controlled by aliens.
  • Great White Sharks dream about daffodils.
  • Dreams prove that Sigmund Broad wasn’t as chronically obese as his surname suggests.
  • Dreams showcase the inherent need for more human/marmalade interaction.
  • Postulation is inherent to dreaming. Without dreams, one cannot postulate. Without postulation, one cannot dream. Without either, you’d be able to get some damn sleep. It is a paradoxical dilemma of some magnitude.

Intrigued? So you should be! Onward, comrade, for edification on our postulations!

Great White Sharks and Daffodils?

A daffodil.
A daffodil.

We know you have many questions, such as “Why would great white sharks dream about something they’ve never seen? Idiots.” No, you’re the idiots! It is noted in the annals of history that the HMS Daffodil foundered off the coast of Cape Town in 1672, with its British crew, and its cargo of daffodils, solemnly sinking into the watery grip of the South African ocean. This is notorious great white shark territory, and all concerned believed themselves to be doomed.

Happily, the Brits were able to swim ashore with only a few limbs severed, bitten, sliced, shredded, garroted, and removed from the unwilling shipwreck participants. Tragically, the ferocious sharks mercilessly slaughtered the cargo of 10,000 daffodils with nary a single yellow pettled survivor. The gigantic beasts remembered their first bout of herbivorism. Ever since, the subsequent generations of these great whites has enjoyed glorious dreams of daffodils. It is a tale most befitting of a maniac.

Was Sigmund Broad Morbidly Obese?

The famously healthy french fry pizza.
The famously healthy french fry pizza.

No. Dreams prove this. Sigmund was more likely marginally rotund – not of considerable girth, but minor weight loss would have been moderately beneficial. Especially for his dreams! LOL! Our research indicates Sigmund Broad’s beard was the weight of a small car, so had he shaved this off it would have been useful. We also believe his beard was intertwined with his brain and forced adverse emotional states into him, such as his fondness for wearing pink to Church. Everyone else used to point and laugh at him. He wept a little inside each time, poor, deranged man.

Is It True Dreams Are Controlled By Aliens?

An artist's impression of our horrifying alien invaders.
An artist’s impression of our horrifying alien invaders.

Put simply, yes. We’re not sure which planet the aliens are on (as there are many planets in the Universe – at least 301), but it is clear they are attempting to interfere with our brains through alien propaganda. This is all part of a mass Alien Invasion which is set to strike Earth within the next few minutes or centuries.

Is There A Way To Stop The Aliens?

The Alien Dream Interference Distorter machine.
The Alien Dream Interference Distorter machine.

Yes! Send the Professional Moron staff a cheque for £3,000 and we will send you an Alien Dream Interference Distorter*. This little beauty transmits proton energy waves, also known as microwaves, at the alien’s brains and makes them die a hellishly agonising, brain melting death. We don’t have any evidence this actually happens, but we presume this is the case. Why? As we dreamt about it! As you should known by now, all dreams are fact.

(*Made out of a mixture of salt, aspic, magnesium, semtex, and copper. WARNING: Purchase at your own risk!)

Marmalade? 

Dreams of marmalade are very common.
Dreams about marmalade are very common.

Indeed, marmalade. It’s estimated (from statistics we discovered but aren’t going to source for you, so there) that roughly 95% of dreams by humans involve marmalade in some form or another. This shocking fact is reminiscent of the time you once had that terrifying dream, and after waking couldn’t remember a thing about it. Such is and are dreams. Take THAT, Sigmund Broad and you’re overly complex postulations!

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