What Should Morgan Freeman Narrate Next?

Morgan Freeman: The man, the myth, the legend.
Morgan Freeman: The man, the myth, the legend.

Morgan Freeman – the man with the voice. Since Shawshank Redemption two decades ago, Mr. Freeman has been lending his silky tones to anything and everything. The weirdest occurrence was Steven Spielberg’s 2005 remake of The War of the Worlds. This Tom Cruise vehicle, if you remember, begins with Morgan Freeman reeling off a brief prologue about jealous aliens waiting to take over Earth. The whole section lasts for around 40 seconds, so naturally you think, “Okay, Morgan Freeman’s going to be in this film.” He isn’t. Indeed, he doesn’t turn up again until the epilogue. As unusual cameos go, it’s unusual.

Morgan Freeman’s voice is known the world over. Even humans from antiquity knew what he sounded like. In Shawshank Redemption, famously, he provided the voiceover for inmate Red. He also did March of the Penguins, which makes us think there should be a Morgan Freeman based penguin CGI film. How about “Shawshank Redempenguin”, “Driving Miss Penguin”, “Se7ven Penguins”, or “Mr Popper’s Penguins 2: This Time Morgan Freeman’s In It”. As you can tell we’ve been thinking; we put our noggins together to come up with some other stuff Morgan Freeman should narrate. Onwards!

Big Brother

Big Brother
Big Brother is too busy eating a Pot Noodle to watch you.

The vile TV show needs a reinvention – fast! In the UK the largely irritating Davina McCall presented it for around 300 years, and a Geordie bloke provided the voiceover. He needs replacing, and you can probably guess with who.

What would be great is if they got someone called Andy in to the Big Brother house. Freeman could then reel of excerpts from Shawshank Redemption when things get boring: “Andy was right. Get busy living, or get busy dying. So stop watching this tawdry s**t and go to the zoo to see the penguins.”.

Sports

Freeman:
Freeman: “This reminds me of a time from Shawshank Redemption…”

There’s no reason why Freeman shouldn’t head into sports commentary. He’d be great for cricket, snooker, darts, curling, tennis, and arguably more violent sports such as rugby, Formula One, football, and golf. Imagine, if you may, a bone crunching tackle in a rugby match between two men who resemble Leviathans. They crunch to the floor with a wince inducing thud you fear could break the Earth’s crust. Whilst waiting in dismay to see if humanity comes to an end, Morgan Freeman’s soothing platitudes commence to take your mind off impending doom, “For twenty days and twenty nights the emperor penguin will march to a place so extreme it supports no other life. In the harshest place on Earth loves finds a way.”

All DVD Commentaries

All penguin shows will soon face mandatory Morgan Freeman voiceovers.
All penguin shows will soon face mandatory Morgan Freeman voiceovers.

Will DVD commentaries die a horrifying death with the advent of internet streaming? Possibly. A big scoop for the industry would be to get Morgan Freeman to provide the voiceover for EVERY DVD commentary. Obviously he can’t be in every film on the release schedule, so he could provide witticisms and insights from his time on the Shawshank Redemption set. On everything. Obviously if a Hobbit fans buys the DVD for the third film in 2015 and it’s just Morgan Freeman rambling on about Andy Dufresne then they might be miffed. Well, tough! This should happen.

Shopping Malls

Morgan Freeman:
Morgan Freeman: “Keep your hands on the rail at all times.”

Not that we at Professional Moron frequent these places, but we would if Morgan Freeman was manning the PA system. Just imagine it, “Mop up on floor two by the pedicure store!”, “Security needed at the foyer to deal with inebriated individuals”, “The store will be closing in 15 minutes. Please vacate the building”, “Andy was right. Get busy living, or get busy dying”, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, “Here’s looking at you, kid”, “Was it raining? I hadn’t noticed”. You get the idea.

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