Tzatziki is a Greek sauce made from strained yoghurt, olive oil, cucumber, salt, garlic, and occasionally a dollop of marmite. Along with hummus/homous/homos/houmos it is a popular staple with pitta bread for snack based excellence. There is a colossal dilemma for any tzatziki pursuing foodie – how in the name of vegan based meat products do you pronounce it? Many a dinner party has been ruined by a guest being too embarrassed to ask for the tzatziki. Human history is littered with disastrous tragedies where a tzatziki lusting individual has been left to starve due to their inability to pronounce its name; in vain they have pointed towards the yoghurt based sauce, only to be handed the peppermill by mistake. This curse on history must end, and Professional Moron are here to save the day!
To approach tzatziki you need a PhD in Food Pronunciation. Mr. Wapojif, luckily, has one of these (as well as an MA in Nose Picking and a BA in Yodelling) so he knows a thing or two. First, one must adopt a reductionist tactic and reduce the word to its syllables: T-zat-zi-ki. As you can probably see, there are four. The best way to approach saying it is to hold onto your butt and just go for it (think of Colin Firth in The King’s Bubble and Squeak): Tzzzzaaartttsseeekeeey. Tzartseekey. Or maybe its Zatzeekey. Or Tatzeeki. The sad news is, despite centuries of research by philosophers, linguists, physicists, and nutritionists, no one knows how to properly say tzatziki. Mr. Wapojif, who wrote his 50,000 word doctoral dissertation on this topic, has spent the last 7 years denying the failure of his thesis. Approaching it again today he has suffered a nervous breakdown. Currently he is rocking back and forth in the lotus position on the floor – we’ll cheer him up later with some tzatziki. As for you lot – you’ll have to remain ignorant for the rest of your days. For shame!
