Salford Quays of Manchester is currently under invasion from an army of docile, yet utterly terrifying, ladybirds! It has been purported (by Manchester’s bustling scientific community, led by noted drumming genius Ringo Starr) at least 10 million of the beetles have taken to the Quays in order to enjoy the final few days of Autumnal warmth. The wee beasts have inadvertently been striking the fear of death into locals due to the endless waves of them as they go about docile activities such as: fluttering delicately on the wind, sunbathing, accidentally flying into people’s homes/flats, and landing on people. Professional Moron’s esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has been annoying his colleagues, and the neighbours, with his high pitched screams of ladybird based horror. He can be calmed by free tubs of ice cream and Jaffa Cakes, but on the whole everyone in the local community now has tinnitus due to his manic braying.
Ladybirds tend to be very small beetles which flap about the place and don’t upset anyone. Some have been known to grow up to 50ft long, however, and Mancunians are in a state of sheer panic this evening as they fear a Godzilla styled ladybird assault. Former Beatle Ringo Starr has stated the beetles have been attracted to Manchester (as opposed to, like, Disney Land, or something) due to one of four reasons:
- The recent resurgence in global superbrand Manchester United, whose team wear similar colours to ladybirds and thusly create some sort of glory supporting effort from the bugs.
- The season long calamities for Ferrari’s F1 team, which sent the similarly attired ladybirds fleeing Italy in existential dismay.
- The recent restoration of Manchester’s central library, thusly promoting Ladybird books to take on a PR coup over the more famous Penguin. Or:
- The ladybirds, having watched the recent Planet of the Apes film, fancy a bit of that and are aiming to take over Manchester.
Manchester is a city gripped this evening, and Prime Minister David Cameron issued the following public statement, “Anyone whom comes across a ladybird is advised to panic insanely and run for their very lives. Then, after a few days, all the beetles will probably have cleared off and all will be back to normal. Simples.”. We shall wait and see, Dave. We shall wait and see.