Self-Service Checkouts – the Holy Grail of modern shopping. These things have this habit of being useful for numerous reasons. Although many people won’t admit it, one of the best is now being able to avoid having to talk to the working class scumbags at the normal tills. No more polite small talk or awkward silences as the four cakes you’ve just bought roll on down the conveyor. Yeah, you could pretend they’re for someone else… but they’re actually all for you, and you feel guilty. These till people with their judgemental eyes… why, they’re the scum of the Earth!!! We jest, they’re not that bad. Please, however, don’t enquire as to why you’ve purchased stuff. Leave off, okay? Now, however, one can purchase 12 cakes and go to a Self-Service Checkout and no one will ever know! For furtive shopping sprees of indulgence, they are a dream.

As established in the opening paragraph, the glory of Self-Service Checkouts is the autonomy they provide. As adults, we are capable of doing our packing. Even better, after a bit of practice you become really efficient on these machines. You’re a virtuoso performer, and the supermarket is your theatre! Deftly one can pack vegetables amongst the cheese, mustard, jam, haggis, bin bags, and charcoal (we buy some odd stuff at Professional Moron) in a neat pattern. With a twist of one’s fingers you can sweep your loyalty card across the scanner, and then pay with your card (or leg it one, as Mr. Wapojif often does). You have the skills of concert pianist (sort of), and the abilities of John McEnroe (probably not a good thing). It’s convenience made convenient, and, frankly, it proves supermarkets should be paying customers for their impressive skills! Think of the man power they can fire now customers are so skilled with their shopping. All courtesy of the machines with the bleeps and bloops. All praise!