Christmas is right round the corner and Santa is back with his latest exclusive column! A week on from his troubles with a morose Rudolph and belligerent Elves, Santa’s back on track after paying everyone their wages (which he’d neglected to do for 17 years). With Christmas Day but days away, find out the inner workings of the Santa Claus present making machine!
Santa’s Column – December 21st 2014
“Holy crap bags! With Christmas Day, like, days off it’s total carnage at the Santa Claus factory! Me and my Elves have only completed 87% of the gifts for the little gits who’ve demanded them! FFS! Mrs. Santa Claus hasn’t helped matters as she has chosen this time to remind me I forgot our anniversary last month. How the hell was I to know?!? I’m busy preparing in excess of 20 billion presents! As “sweet revenge” she’s cooked me nothing but gruel and cabbage for my dinner.
This has been going on for weeks! On top of this she shredded my favourite boots, destroyed my One Direction CDs, burned my Justin Bieber autographs, and reported me to the RSPCA for animal cruelty. Several of their officials turned up to issue me a warning but, unfortunately, I was in a depraved mood on their arrival and was wandering around naked whilst wielding my favourite shotgun. They startled me so much I ran at them screaming whilst firing it wildly into the air. The government promptly confiscated my arsenal of weaponry. Bastards!
To cheer me up I asked Rudolph to get me some proper food, and he went out and disappeared for four days. On his return he looked haggard and was sporting a tattoo on his forehead which says, “Gangsta!!!!” I asked him what had happened but he just threw up on my present for Mrs. Santa Claus and then fell over. I had got her a lovely set of shoes, but they now stink of Rudolph’s stomach contents! The other reindeer have also been driving me insane.
They keep making major demands for the night of the 24th. One, Bruce, wishes to have a stopover in Barbados for some surfing and to, “Pull the babes.” I told him this isn’t possible as we’re on a tight schedule. He’s since hacked my Twitter account and spread malicious rumours about me online. The bastard. I’ve laced his carrot dinner with laxative to give him a wake up call, the SOB. That’ll teach him. No one messes with Santa!
The Elves, meantime, have been making my life a misery. They’re doing everything in a haphazard way as “sweet revenge”. Yesterday a Barbie doll house collapsed on me as I inspected it, which winded me for 20 minutes and shattered my pelvis. I dragged myself to the gun closet preparing to shoot all the bastards down, but realised the government had impounded the lot! I vented my fury by head-butting a wall until I lost consciousness.”