5 Disturbingly Excellent Facts About Christmas

Reindeer, such as this idiot, are renowned for being utter imbeciles.
Reindeer, such as this idiot, are renowned for being utter imbeciles.

The staff of Professional Moron have been disturbingly busy this December, to the extent we’ve failed to realise it’s pretty much over. Yes, 2015 beckons us like a beacon deliberately set on a stockpile of nuclear warheads during a foggy day. You go to the beacon with high expectations, only to find explosive products rather than the free sandwiches you so hoped for. There’s nothing quite like sandwiches in fog. It’s like freshly mown grass sprayed with marmite, listening to the sounds of the ocean with Justin Bieber’s music playing in the background, and picking your nose with a butcher’s knife; all memorably happy moments with a weird twist. Except we like marmite.

Right, if our tone hasn’t been bizarre enough yet then delve deeper into today’s post! Whilst many of you will enjoy Christmas Day the normal way tomorrow, today (and not tomorrow) we’re providing a concise selection of facts about the big day. Enjoy!

1. Santa Claus is a Communist

Santa Claus prior to growing his big beard.
Santa Claus prior to growing his big beard.

Why do you think he wears red – as he’s been bought out by Coca Cola?! LOL! Wotevs, you naïve lot! Santa’s a raving Commie with upstanding values for those bone-idle proletariat scumbags. This is the reason why Santa’s kept out of the limelight all year round, only unleashed on the 24th to deliver presents. Unbeknownst to most, Santa likes to drop the occasional polemic in with children’s gifts. If your 5 year old happens to open up a copy of The Communist Manifesto tomorrow, follow these instructions verbatim:

  • Scream in unbridled horror.
  • Seize hold of “the book of doom”.
  • Continue screaming hysterically.
  • Seize a shotgun from your arsenal of weaponry (if you live in a country where guns are legal, of course).
  • Pause to catch your breath whilst reminding your husband/wife to baste the roasting chicken.
  • Recommence high pitched caterwauling.
  • Continuously shoot “the book of doom” before your child until: a) the child starts crying, b) you rupture the foundation of your house and the building collapses, or c) The police arrive to arrest you.

2. “Chrimbo” is a symptom of an illness

Oranges, yo.
Oranges, yo.

Anyone who pronounces “Christmas” as “Chrimbo” has scurvy. They’re also probably Communists. To cure those poor SOBs, direct them to the nearest Orange Juice Fountain (as provided by your democratic state).

3. Gravy Belligerence is commonplace on Christmas Day

Boo hoo.
Boo hoo.

Most families hate each other, meaning there will be many furious arguments tomorrow. These will mainly be about food, specifically gravy. Should it have onion bits in? Is it too clumpy? Too liquidy? Should it be vegetarian or beef gravy? Should we do homemade gravy or store bought? Do we even bloody well bloody need any bloody gravy? To avoid this fate follow our instructions verbatim:

  •  Get up first thing in the morning (about 6am) and make 10 litres of gravy. After this everyone will be too polite to correct any grave gravy mistakes you made.

4. There was once a Christmas Dinner Pot Noodle

A Christmas Dinner Pot Noodle!
A Christmas Dinner Pot Noodle!

There it is. The thing above this bit. We don’t know if it was packaged with any gravy.

5. The Queen’s Speech is written by aliens

A helmet, as worn by war veterans, fire men, and certain members of the Royal Family.
A helmet, as worn by war veterans, fire men, and certain members of the Royal Family.

Her Majesty is from the planet “Neptune” and represents her alien race on our planet (which is Earth, in case you’d forgotten). Unfortunately the aliens’ concept of a compelling speech is different to us humans, which is why the Queen’s Speech is always so impossibly dull.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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