How To Make The Moon More Interesting

Urgh, how boring! Not even this tree can make the Moon interesting.
Urgh, how boring! Not even this tree can make the Moon interesting.

The Moon. Humans look at it now with a sort of, “been there done that” attitude. It’s pretty arrogant, but then the Moon is pretty dull. Look at it tonight; it’s a morose looking grey thing which sort of floats there with those slightly darker grey bits which are, presumably, mountains or sunken bits of Moon. There’s nothing else up there! No two headed monsters, no dragons, no Teenage Mutant Ninja Sandwiches, and definitely no sign of Elvis.

When NASA get their stupid heads around space travel proper, and us citizens of Earth can visit space as if it were a trip to the local fast food joint, they’re going to have to liven the Moon up a bit. So how do you do that? Well look at Earth. It’s got stuff like marmalade, Netflix, cheese on toast, and dolphins. All very exciting. The Moon has rocks and dust. Not exciting. So we had a think at Professional Moron and came up with implementations for NASA to implement in the near Solar System, plus beyond if they so wish. Here is to one day seeing a KFC on Jupiter.

Karaoke

Karaoke

To our relentless dismay, NASA has never transmitted any karaoke from space. Not only is this insulting to the billions of karaoke fans on Earth, it’s insulting to space. Positioning a karaoke bar on the Moon would be a tremendous way of communicating with the Universe. Kind of like a Woodstock, but for aliens instead of stoned Hippies.

Kevin Spacey

Kevin Bacon

Spacey will be paid $4 million a minute to greet Moon visitors at the entrance gate. He’ll also man the ticket booth, and will be forced at light sabre point to repeat movie quotes. Even if he wasn’t in the movie. These will include: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat…”, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, “The wheels on the bus go round and round”, and “Aga doo doo doo”. He’ll also be required to fight off any impromptu alien invasions.

Frank Sidebottom Heads

Frank

Seen Frank, right? Micheal Fassbender wears a Frank Sidebottom head for the whole film. Whilst many women complained one of Hollywood’s most handsome men was covered up, sociopaths the world over rejoiced at the nature of everything. The Moon will need to cater for eccentrics, and mandatory Frank Sidebottom space helmets will suffice.

A Banana Boat

Banana

Banana Boats are great fun! In zero gravity they’d be ERMAZING fun!! Naturally it would need to be safe (we wouldn’t want a stream of banana boat tragedies – boats zooming off into space with hapless citizens strapped on), otherwise it’d be bad for business! A name change would be in order, too. Think fresh and exciting – A Moon Boat!

Muscle aTrophies

Trophy

Muscle atrophy is a serious problem in space. Consequently, all visitors will receive Muscle aTrophies (made of solid plastic) upon leaving the Moon so they can hand these to their employers as proof of their newfound uselessness. You’re going to be taking a lot of sick days to recover from degenerative muscle loss, you! Don’t worry, you’ll be ripped again in no time with the Professional Moron Steroid Pack*! Only £79.99 in all questionable looking gym shops!

*Possibly illegal in your country of habitation!

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