We’ve been thinking about Earl Grey tea all day. From, like, 7am when we got up until now as I, Mr. Wapojif, sit here typing this out. Which is almost 7pm, so that’s, like, 48 hours of relentless thought! Normally we don’t think as much as that. We normally stick Romantic Comedies on Netflix and bawl our eyes out with tubs of ice cream. Most of us are morbidly obese at Professional Moron for, you see, normally normality is normally normal for us.
Perhaps if we drank more tea, instead of litre upon litre of fizzy drinks, we’d have the physique of men whom spend 10 hours a day in the gym. We could also go to the gym; grunting away and making funny faces as we lift ridiculously heavy weights, occasionally one of us roaring, “ARRGHHHHHHH!!!!” as he lifts the equivalent of 377 tubs of Häagen-Dazs. Macho man? You’d bloody well better bloody believe it!
Who gives a damn, though, as our earlier postulations led us to a most shocking revelation: Earl Grey tea is a lie. It isn’t grey at all. It’s more a, sort of, brownish colour. What the bloody hell gives? Using our mighty brains we did some digging, blackmailed a few people, and before we knew it we’d obtained a reliable quote from a reliable source from Earl Grey’s arch nemesis tea company PG Tips.
Our source, whom wished to remain anonymous, is the head CEO of the PG Tips empire. He blubbered, “Earl Grey is normally grey, but those SOBs at Earl Grey use magic fairy dust to make it non-grey! I can’t say much more than this, as I just ate a full English breakfast and feel pretty damn nauseous…” He then supplied us with the above picture, proving our theory is not a theory.
There you have it! Earl Grey isn’t grey as Earl Grey, allegedly, use magic fairy dust to make their tea look grey. We sent the company an e-mail demanding an explanation, but were politely informed to not spread “spurious accusations” about them. We know the truth, Earl Grey! You can run, but you can’t hide.