Why Isn’t Earl Grey Tea Grey?

Earl Grey being infected with magic dust.
Earl Grey being infected with magic dust.

We’ve been thinking about Earl Grey tea all day. From, like, 7am when we got up until now as I, Mr. Wapojif, sit here typing this out. Which is almost 7pm, so that’s, like, 48 hours of relentless thought! Normally we don’t think as much as that. We normally stick Romantic Comedies on Netflix and bawl our eyes out with tubs of ice cream. Most of us are morbidly obese at Professional Moron for, you see, normally normality is normally normal for us.

Perhaps if we drank more tea, instead of litre upon litre of fizzy drinks, we’d have the physique of men whom spend 10 hours a day in the gym. We could also go to the gym; grunting away and making funny faces as we lift ridiculously heavy weights, occasionally one of us roaring, “ARRGHHHHHHH!!!!” as he lifts the equivalent of 377 tubs of Häagen-Dazs. Macho man? You’d bloody well better bloody believe it!

Who gives a damn, though, as our earlier postulations led us to a most shocking revelation: Earl Grey tea is a lie. It isn’t grey at all. It’s more a, sort of, brownish colour. What the bloody hell gives? Using our mighty brains we did some digging, blackmailed a few people, and before we knew it we’d obtained a reliable quote from a reliable source from Earl Grey’s arch nemesis tea company PG Tips.

Our source, whom wished to remain anonymous, is the head CEO of the PG Tips empire. He blubbered, “Earl Grey is normally grey, but those SOBs at Earl Grey use magic fairy dust to make it non-grey! I can’t say much more than this, as I just ate a full English breakfast and feel pretty damn nauseous…” He then supplied us with the above picture, proving our theory is not a theory.

There you have it! Earl Grey isn’t grey as Earl Grey, allegedly, use magic fairy dust to make their tea look grey. We sent the company an e-mail demanding an explanation, but were politely informed to not spread “spurious accusations” about them. We know the truth, Earl Grey! You can run, but you can’t hide.


    • Yuss, it’s a special tea with the hint of bergamot. The cup is just as important. We wish it was grey tea, though. Grey tea. There’s white tea. Why no grey? Alas, tis but one of the grandest mysteries!


  1. This reminds me of the bit from Friends where Ross and Emily are writing out the invite list for their wedding, and Ross gets distracted with thoughts of Rachel. Emily asks Ross if he wants more tea, and when he says “yeah,” she responds with “Earl Grey?” and he dazily goes “Yeah…invite whoever you want.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ross is a cad! Not only did he get Emily’s name wrong at the wedding, he didn’t even bother researching and dedicating himself to the art of tea. We were not, and still are not, impressed with his behaviour!


      • Well, who wouldn’t be preoccupied by their ex-girlfriend if she were Jennifer Aniston? Also, a bit of trivia: the Ross/Emily marriage was supposed to last and Helen Baxendale (Emily) was supposed to join the main cast, but she turned them down. I think it was either because she was pregnant and wanted to be a mum or because she was unwilling to leave England for a role on a TV show, but either way, it didn’t happen, which was probably the biggest mistake ever. Emily had so much potential.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Now that is a shocker. That would have been around 1998 if I remember correctly. To be fair Baxendale was starring in highly popular British drama Cold Feet at the time (you’re right, she was also pregnant). Ross was so distraught he ended up in WWII by mistake, stumbling onto the Band of Brothers set after a drunken drowning of sorrows. Pivot!


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