A Brief History Of Lipstick And Grunting

Is it a bird? Is it a donkey? Is it a reversible sedgewick!? No, it's a cosmetic product containing pigments, oils, waxes, and emollients that apply colour and texture to lips!
Is it a bird? Is it a donkey? Is it a reversible sedgewick!? No, it’s a cosmetic product containing pigments, oils, waxes, and emollients that apply colour and texture to lips!

Being men at Professional Moron (and frequently indulging in manly activities such as: frolicking amongst daffodils, reciting poetry, and cooing idiotically at our pet hamster) we’re often bemused by lipstick. It’s something women wear in order to make their lips turn the colour of Communism, which is an unusual form of polemical propaganda if you ask us. Why not something more traditional, such as doctoring pictures for political gain, or a brutal dictatorship?

Anyway, enough about bloody politics already! Today we’re talking (well, writing) about lipstick. It’s something which mystifies men. We know why women use it, though. Lipstick dates back to medieval times when women were forced to date brutish blokes barely evolved from their primate state. Men communicated, largely, by grunting.

When grunts weren’t adhered to, men would throw temper tantrums. It’s alleged your average male would have 30 hysterical grunting fits by noon, and would spend the rest of the day grooding (a type of brooding which involved grunts) over a copy of Yore Daily Blood Curdling Execution (now known as The Sun). He’d then go off to bed and, whilst sleeping, gnore (a merger of snoring and grunting) his way through the night. T’was a most prolific time for grunting.

It is said woman began to wear lipstick to get men to do something other than grunt. Eventually, as the decades grunted by, men were able to form sentences such as, “You look lovely today, dear!”, “That’s a smashing blouse you have on!”, and, “THE REFEREES A W******!!!!”.

In more modern times lipstick is used in films such as 50 Shades of Grey and is worn by anyone who ruddy well wants to. Famously, Joey from Friends showcased blue lipstick in an advert for a Nippon based brand, thusly proving it isn’t purely for women. Indeed, lipstick (which is largely made out of salt and aspic) is believed to have therapeutic powers: it stops people carrying around sticks covered in lips and, instead, makes them have nice rosy smackers. Good, eh?

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