Condiments are interesting things. Typically you find them in small wee sachets in pubs, restaurants, cafes, and insane asylums. You rip them open, get a load of the sauce over your fingers, and then squeeze a tiny smudge onto whatever you’re eating. Yeah, condiment sachets are crap.

Then there are those big massive tubs of the stuff, like with Tomato Ketchup. You can buy, like, 1 litre tubs of these things to fling onto your dinner. And why not? Ketchup is ace and, LOL, sounds like CATCH UP! Conversely, Brown Sauce induces nightmares of mud, excrement, or other really weird brown things (namely horses).

Whilst Brown Sauce (often known as HP Sauce) is made of horses, horseradish isn’t. It’s a tangy mustard like thing with one hell of a kick… much like horses! Legend has it this kick is from horses stomping on radishes to mush them up. The ingredients horses use are as follows: radishes, mustard, wasabi, brake fluid, and a dash of black pepper. As most people agree, it’s a bloody foul tasting sensation.

At Professional Moron we’re disappointed other animals aren’t encouraged to make their brands of radish. We feel intelligent creatures such as pigs, mongooses, cats, great white sharks, and giraffes should be allowed to engage in condiment creation. It’s not like any of them have anything better to do – they just wander about eating stuff. Why not put them to task with food stuff creation?

Radishes themselves don’t have much of a say in this, sadly. The radish community has been silenced by the corrupt horses, whom control them with a mixture of totalitarian fear and by bribes of sugar lumps (stolen from human beings). Professional Moron wishes to reach out to the radish community and remind them all is not lost – summer is on the weigh and they’ll soon be able to grace many a salad in the name of cool foods for warm temperatures. May tartar sauce have mercy on your souls!