Allegedly, tartare sauce is a mayonnaise based sauce used for seafood dishes. Professional Moron just so happen to know its real ingredients list, and it’s enough to terrify your eyebrows orf orf your face. Your teeth will jingle like bells, your nose will flame up like Rudolph’s, and you’ll want to punch Ronald McDonald in the face upon discovering this.

The truth is tartare sauce is derided from tar. Whilst you may laugh in a derived manner, it is the case. Sure, the other ingredients are there! Mayonnaise is made up of egg yolk, mustard or vinegar, and oil. Tartare sauce usually gets bits of gherkins added in, with tarragon and lemon juice. What manufacturers don’t bother telling you is this: everyone in tartare sauce making factories are ritually tarred and feathered each morning. Stunned? So woz we.

As employees are forced to work in such abhorrent conditions, it’s only natural flakes of tar make their way into the tartare sauce you enjoy every moment of every day. As a result, the more tartare sauce you eat the more tar (and feathers) you’re consuming. This makes you half human, half chicken. There’s something to think over this weekend.

The real tragedy here isn’t the proletariat scumbags ritually humiliated and forced to work for 1p a day. No. It’s the insult to seafood and fish. When we eat our Chips & Scampi we want nothing but the finest mayonnaise-esque produce. Tartare sauce should provide this. Not tar. Nor feathers. When we dip our lobster into it we don’t want to be poisoning our bodies with the effluence discarded by scumbag proles.

What’s more, think of what you’re feeding your pet cat! Cripes. This weekend we provide you with a CTA (Call To Action) – switch to horseradish or wasabi. Tartare sauce is the work of Satan.

Grumpy Cat is not amused.