Earphones are great. You can stuff them into your ears and listen to music at ear piercingly loud volume – tinnitus for the careless! Glorious music for the hearing impaired! Earphones – a modern wonder.

What gives, though? Why aren’t their nosephones? Humans use their nostrils to determine all sorts of things: if one reeks of body odour, if the milk in the fridge is off, to breathe in petrol fumes whilst out in the street, and to ascertain if one’s pet dog has been rolling around in the garbage. See how important your nose is, fool?

Sadly noses can’t hear stuff, even though we’re sure they try really hard. Given noses sniff stuff in, it’s strange they kind of protrude from one’s face like a mast from a ship, or like a… we can’t think of any other analogies. You’d think, given the sniffing we all do, one’s nose would be inconspicuously sucked into one’s face… like some sort of meteor impact. Except it’d be a nose impact. Cripes. Not even Brad Pitt would look good with that abomination.

Anyway, as it stands noses should be the gateway to the ear. This is why we’ve invented a (probably quite terrifying sounding) device which one forces violently up one’s nostrils. Nosephones are much like earphones, but one guides them up your nostril into your inner ear, so one is not left with ghastly looking earphone devices strapped to one’s head.

Admittedly the process of inserting the nosephones into your skull is complete and utter bloody agony. However, we believe as a fashion statement the likes of Hipsters would really dig this. With no more earphones, they’d be able to flaunt their beards with added panache. Nosephones it is, then! Available in all hospitals from July 2015 priced £130 a pair.