Rolling pins are strange things which one keeps in one’s kitchen drawer. Let’s face it, we only ever really ever, like, ever use them when, like, one has made a pizza. Hands up – who here has ever bothered making a pizza base? Exactly, none of you. Cretins!

Being skilled morons here we are experts in homemade pizza making. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as rolling out fresh dough with a rolling pin. Weirdly, though, rolling pins aren’t made of pins. They’d be agony to hold otherwise. Indeed, they are instead made of this brown stuff called “wood”. Interesting.

Wood is from trees, which are the things which sprout from the ground like giant broccoli sprigs. Without trees humanity would be dead, and without rolling pins pizzas wouldn’t be round. Indeed, they’d be, like, oblong or something.

As cylindrical food preparation utensils go, we really rate the rolling pin. They’re great for any rolling needs, and they make a highly effective substitute baseball or cricket bat. You can also beat the bejeezus out of any vagabonds who are harassing you with the thing. Nifty!

This fits the popular culture image of the Enraged Housewife wielding a rolling pin in fury. What a battle axe! Angry women didn’t invent the pin, however, we believe it was crafted by people who were fed up of pizza shapes being, like, rectangle or whatever. Bloody sexists.

Anyway, if they were oblong this would be disastrous as the 300 million pizza trays across the world would be rendered obsolete, which in turn would lead to a mass binning of the things, thusly clogging the landfills of the Earth. Consequently, Professional Moron can quite confidently claim rolling pins are the saviour of humanity. Groovy!