Considering we eat porridge every morning (with wheatgerm, pumpkin seeds, raisins, and a chunk of butter) you’d think Professional Moron would go on about it all the time. It’s got a hilarious name, it’s weird to look at, and it’s more versatile than Meryl Streep.

As far as we’re aware we’ve never dedicated a blog post to porridge on this site, but now it is thyme! It’s a great way to start the day, you know, with them weird flake like things. They’re not like cornflakes as they aren’t cornflakes, which has led us to postulate over the years it’s a type of haggis.

Then people tell you, like you’re thick or something, it’s Oates. And we’re all, “Captain Lawrence Oates, the Antarctic explorer? What’s he got to do with breakfast cereals?” Nothing! So we dug deeper and found out some home truths.

As it turns out, porridge (which, weirdly, can be spelled as porage, porrige, or parritch – presumably by people aiming for Farage (as in Nigel Farage), porridge, and parrot, respectively) is a culinary pleasure created by boiling ground, crushed, or chopped cereal in water, milk, salt, and aspic. Gross.

In America (where all the important things happen) it’s called oatmeal. Like, you know, a meal of oats. Apparently oats and salmonella* are the most popular types of porridge, which seems a bit weird. Salmonella is a really delicious type of fish, but we really wouldn’t eat it with oats for breakfast. Which freak invented that dish?

Anyway, we take our porridge cold at Professional Moron, with water and desiccated coconut at the moment. Exotic, eh? We’re all for experimentation so, this summer, we’ll be trying deep fried porridge, porridge on toast, porridge soup, porridge chips, porridge juice, and oatmeal & porridge. Heck, we may even do a roast dinner of a giant vat of porridge.

Sow! Enjoy your porridge the way Professional Moron does – dicing with death! We know no fear.

*We later found out this was supposed to be written as semolina, an aspect of wheat.