Exclusive Invention: Post-It Boats (like Post-it notes, but for water)

Post-it boat
This is what the hull of the Post-it boat will look like.

We all love Post-it notes. Even in an era dominated by technology, it’s usually far more effective to make a note on a Post-it note and post-it to your desk or forehead. Indeed, we wholly celebrate the glorious Post-it note and wish the company a merry and happy next 1,000 years of World Domination. If we were to be debased by a fascist dictatorship, we’d want it to be a one spearheaded by the Post-it note crew. Hey, you guys!

What we’d really like to see is the company grow its brand. We’re marketing experts at Professional Moron and we’ve been helping businesses achieve bankruptcy for almost half a decade. Stupid ideas, lunacy, irrationality – you name it, we’ve invented it with complete disregard to success. This is why we think the Post-it brand should take up making Post-it boats. Why not? It’s a brilliant idea and a cheap and effective way to create watercrafts which can traverse the seas of the world.

Post-it Boats

Obviously, to make a Post-it boat you’re going to need a huge amount of Post-it notes, which is a fantastic way for the company to sell even more Post-it notes than ever before! Naturally, it would be insanely dangerous to have a Post-it boat with machinery running inside, so we’ve designed  a traditional rowing boat thing here to avoid any hellish petrol based infernos.

We’ve estimated some 500,000 Post-it notes will be required to make a reasonably secure boat for several people to board. You’ll need several million in order to make a craft analogous to the Titanic. Even more if you want to make a super ship for a momentous cruise, which we’re sure to want to do to expand our sales funnel, maximise our target audience, leverage the full range of the brand, and tap into separate industries.

We’ll also need to look up at least 100 new business spiel phrases to inundate the press with during our marketing campaign, as we want to come across as complete and utter odious bores.

Overcoming Adversity

We’ve had issues with developing the Post-it boat. The big problem we faced with initial tests is that paper isn’t waterproof. All of our Post-it boats gradually keeled over and sank to the bottom of the canal we were on. This left our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, to flee his colleagues, abandon ship, and make a dash for safety.

We’re not too concerned about the sinking problem as the main issue is how to power the boats through the water. We’ll be selling this idea to the Post-it company shortly, and we’ve figured they’ll need a small army of unwilling slaves to row larger boat across, for instance, the Pacific ocean. In today’s society, there are millions of poor devils who are willing to do anything for minimum wage!

This is morally outrageous!

Oh, do be quiet… fool! Don’t try and stifle our creativity with your nanny state leftist stupidity!! Whilst the Post-it boat may currently be ineffective, dangerous, superfluous, and moronic in its design and development, we’re sure with Post-it’s backing we’ll be able to laminate the paper and make the whole design safe and sound.

With a budget of a mere $3 billion, we believe we can transform the maritime industry. We’ll create new jobs, cut down on pollution, and promote minimum wage employment through harsh conditions and brutality. All hail the Post-it boat!

5 comments

  1. Fossil fuels are sooooo 20th Century.

    What this vessel needs is a laggy band motor, scaled up somewhat. You’ll need one of those drums heavy duty electrical cable comes on for starters, then a laggy band 6 foot long, a used matchstick the size of a polo mallet, and a candle end the size of a dustbin.

    I smell research grant money. Simply hang around outside the Department of Transport offices wearing a comedy beard and shout “renewable” and “footprint” at important looking people, and then wait for them to throw £££££££££s at you.

    Failing that tap that Elon Musk youth up. He’s paying out, they reckon…

    • Cripes… where am I going to get a used matchstick from in this day and age of “e-cigarettes” and “lighters”? I suppose I’ll have to fashion one out of bits of wood stolen from the local wood shop, if such a thing exists!

      I may turn to Bono for support, to be honest. I’m sure he’d fund this endeavour with great vigour and enthusiasm. Do you have his number?

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