Exclusive Recipe: Tapas – Now With More Taps!

tapas bar
These are taps and we want to see more of them on the menus at tapas bars! NOW!

We like tapas and all that and it’s become one of those exciting restaurants you go to and order a load of stuff but then forget everything you’ve ordered. Every time we’ve done tapas (which is three whole times, the last one in 2012 – someone had thrown up at the entrance to that one in Fallowfield, Manchester) the waiters arrived at our table with 50 dishes and no one can remember what their order is. Note to students: never work in a tapas bar.

It’d make everyone’s lives a great deal easier if tapas was true to its name and provided, you know, taps! Never have we been more conned by the name of a type of food – it’s insulting to go to one of these places and find there are no taps except in the bathroom! And then when you wrench the taps out of the sink until and show them to the staff, oooohhh, all of a sudden you’re a drunken hoodlum who has to refund the damage caused to the property. False advertising, tapas! Let’s change that pronto.

Tapas (With More Taps)

Okay, so call us simpleminded buffoons if you think we expect only taps at a tapas bar. We’re aware a restaurant has to serve more than one thing in order to be a success – even McDonald’s stretches beyond burgers! However, we would like to see a good range of taps on the menu to slake our desire for barely consumable metallic objects.

There are many different types of types of taps, of course, and being liberal we’d like to see a wide range of them on the menu. Whether it’s pillar taps, freestanding taps, shower mixer taps, mixer taps, garden hose taps, beer taps, spigots, valves, faucets, silcocks, bibs, wall hydrants, fire hydrants, or gas taps – you name it, we want it on there. We’re not fussy eaters.

Will tapas restaurants adhere to our unreasonable demands? Of course not, which is why we’re currently testing our range of taps with an illegal stall we’ve set up in Manchester city centre. Currently very few individuals have expressed any desire to consume a tap. We’ve primarily been met with a barrage of verbal abuse, including phrases such as: “You guys are ****ing dangerous!”, “What the hell?”, “Get away from me, you creep!”, “I’m calling the police!”, “I’m calling the pigs!”, and “Do they come with ketchup and fries?” We’re disappointed by this reception.

But what about my teeth?!

Rest assured, our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif tried consuming a beer tap and he only broke several of his teeth. Suitably encouraged, the rest of the Professional Moron office indulged in a wide variety of taps. The result? Only a dozen shattered incisors and only half a dozen crushed molars!

We believe with soothing figures such as this (and perhaps a course of morphine to accompany the taps and soothe any pain) our tapas bar will be a big hit. We will not be discouraged by initial pessimism – we have set our sights on glory, and we’re going to tap into this market with taps!

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