Great TV Shows That Never Were: The Squawking Dead

The Squawking Dead
Don’t let it see the whites of your eyes!

The Walking Dead is the biggest TV show on Earth – we think. It’s pulling in 20 million viewers an episode in America, and most of that lot probably don’t realise Andrew Lincoln is English. He plays Rick Grimes, a man tasked with being the grimiest human being in history (something he accomplishes with aplomb from Season 4 onwards).

For those who’ve followed the show religiously over the last five years, you’ll be familiar with the show’s premise: zombies. Lots and lots of zombies. Plus, long drawn out periods of talking about stuff and things. It’s essentially a soap opera with zombies – it’s good fun. In a feeble attempt to cash in on its popularity, we’ve created an amazing spin-off which will be poorly executed and critically derided but, heck, it was worth a shot right?

The Squawking Dead

This series would be a mixture of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds alongside the current Walking Dead theme. That is, a post-apocalyptic society where the undead emerge from their deadness believing they’re parrots. Thusly, the undead shuffle about the place emitting high-pitched squawks and general shrieking. That’s surely not going to get annoying!

If you watch the Walking Dead you’ll be familiar with the zombies generally snarling, shuffling about the place like inebriated tramps, and indulging in their collective passion for seizing and consuming living entities. In the Squawking Dead, the zombies have a passion for one thing, and one thing only: bird food. Tragically, this all-encompassing desire leads the squawkers (the parlance used to describe these terrifying former humans) to decimate anything they come across.

Over the course of one doomed season, the series would follow the exploits of a hapless bunch of self-obsessed goons as they attempt to flee the squawkers, procure bird food of their own to feast upon, and generally arse about in the way humans do. It’s not going to be a good show.

Bird Food: A Critical Mauling

Sadly, the Squawking Dead would have been a dismal failure as it would have been laughed off the screen by caustic critics, furious fans, and belligerent business bosses. Blame would be placed with its idiotic creators, whom were incapable of envisaging how repetitive and silly the concept was beyond the initial, “Hmmmm, that’s only mildly atrocious and there may be a good idea in there somewhere” appraisal.

The choice of cast was also extremely poor. Lead protagonist, Dick Rhymes (played with disarming inanity by charmless beefcake Jai Cortney), wouldn’t have been a hit with fans, and a supporting cast of thespians such as Gordon Joseph-Levitt (using his rubbish French accent from The Walk), Arnold Schwarzenegger, Paris Hilton, and 99 year old Kirk Douglas as a Dale type character.

A commercial and critical disaster, the Squawking Dead would have gone down in history as one of the worst TV shows ever. Once questioned about the project in subsequent interviews, Arnold Schwarzenegger would become enraged and seize journalists in his mighty hands and, using his mighty man muscles, would shake them about a bit. Oh well, Big Arnie, if it bleeds you can kill it.

One comment

  1. Actually, I think you are wrong! I’ve only watched passing bits of the Walking Dead. I’m not a fan. However, this Parrot bird seed idea you’ve come up with is brilliant. Pet Product companies all over the world will be clamoring to advertise. Eventually they’ll want other animal spin offs, like vampire cats who suck the blood out the parrots before demanding their fave crunchies, or so on. Whew, you are onto something with this!


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