Exclusive Recipe: Kidney Bean Ice Cream

Kidney bean ice cream
We like kidney beans, but they can be a bit, you know, bland.

Some ice creams are fantastic things. Then there’s kidney bean ice cream, which we invented today during a marathon brainstorming session designed purely to create insipid things. Thusly, we invented a toaster with only one toasting slot (how uninspiring is that?!), a radio which will only play Foo Fighters on a loop (sorry, but we can’t stand that crap – although we do love Dave Grohl, even if he is the most overrated drummer in history), and a shed with no doors, roof, and only one window.

Cripes! That’s some insipid stuff right there. The one we were most proud of was kidney bean ice cream. Kidney beans are an interesting beet, typically improved enormously by including it with more interesting ingredients such as chilli and con carne. However, bland is sometimes the way forward which is why we invented this plain ice cream with which we hope to alienate ice cream fans across the world.

Kidney Bean Ice Cream

When one normally purchases ice it’s to slake one’s desire for highly tasty sugary, dairy based badness which one has grown to adore, yet vilify, over the years. Why vilify? Well, ice cream’s so bad for you… bummer. If only there was a healthy ice cream with the same great taste!

With kidney bean ice cream, we’ve mastered the healthy bit. Well, it’s healthier. Perhaps not entirely healthy, but you’ll probably get a bit of beet nutrition (beat generation – where’s Jack Kerouac when you need him?) in there. As for the tasty bit… no. Kidney bean ice cream is not particularly tasty. Nor is it particularly satiating. What on Earth did we invent it for? To be insipid, dears.

Anyway, to make kidney bean ice cream one must acquire around 500 kidney beans, mush them up into a fine old mess, and then tip them onto cheap store bought ice cream. You know, the bargain bucket stuff – 3,000g for £1 or something. It’s so bland even kidney beans are preferable, but it still packs that unhealthy overload of sugar, preservatives, and chlorine (possibly).


Why hasn’t chlorine been used in ice cream before, we ask! “Because it’s a toxic chemical which is typically used as a disinfectant, whilst others believed it should be categorised as a chemical weapon or, at the very least, a choking agent.” Whatever. At Professional Moron we don’t relish sensible reasoning one bit.

Thusly, and by pure coincidence, kidney bean ice cream doubles up as a flavourless unhealthy snack AND as a poisonous gas and potential weapon. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, chlorine can be “recognised by its pungent, irritating odour, which is like the odour of bleach. The strong smell may provide adequate warning to people that they are exposed.” Consequently, you can eat kidney bean ice cream safely in public around fellow human beings without fear of contaminating them. They will smell you coming, and typically they run off in a panic. Cowards!


  1. Well…. I like beans, including kidney. Although not vegan, this is a veggie recipe, so I suppose it has some merit. Will the chlorine help my thighs stay slim? Still considering trying it out!


    • The great thing about chlorine is the hallucinations it causes will convince you you’re able to do anything. It’s kind of like booze, but with a chlorine aftertaste.

      I’m verging on vegan but I enjoy sushi too much to commit to veganism full time.


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