Exclusive New Activity: Hot Water Bottle Fights!

Hot water bottle fights
Seeing as there are no copyright free images of hot water bottles, this thing will have to do, we guess.

Pillow fights may be the go-to activity for loony lefty pansies scared of getting a few third-degree burns, but for real men (women aren’t allowed to play this as they aren’t stupid enough – sorry) hot water bottle fights are the way to go!

It’s the same premise – acquire a batch of recently filled (with scalding hot, boiling water) hot water bottles and begin battering the living daylights out of one another. The winner is the last man standing (or last man who is able to at least prop himself up instead of simply lying on the floor shrieking in agony). Truly, this will become a fun pastime at all sleepovers and whatnot.

Hot Water Bottle Fights

It’s a genuine desire to promote fun and wholesome activities which forces us to create many of our inventions. Some have suggested we’ve got it in for society, or we create devices which are irrationally conceived and likely to cause severe injury or death. Nonsense! To confirm this, here we have a hearty and exercise promoting activity.

Remember pillow fights? Surely you do! It was probably a sleepover at your bestie’s house and, carried away with the fantastical sense of fun, you battered the crap out of each other and destroyed a few brain cells. Good harmless fun – you never see those news stories like: “Pillow Fights Ends in Gruesome Murder” or some such. Why? As pillow fighting is fun!

Much the same for a hot water bottle fight. We tested it out the other night and, whilst hilarious, we soon learned a degree of caution is required in order to avoid life-threatening injuries. Indeed, upon battering your opponent multiple times the bottle can split and shower everyone around you in searing hot, anguish inducing, painful, and bloody unpleasant boiling water.

Safety Advice

First and foremost, it’s probably a good idea to avoid getting boiling hot water on your exposed body. As a result, we wouldn’t recommend being naked for this activity. Indeed, we’d recommend wearing a full hazmat suit to fend off the brutal agony of a burn. As your safety is a priority, we further recommend the Freeflow Airline Chemical Suit (L) PVC Boots and Gloves at a mere £2,000 ($2,300).

Once several of you are decked out in this (use some credit cards if you’re lacking the cash, or just steal one), you’ll be largely free from injury. However, should you go ahead and do the fight starkers or in your pyjamas, do note down how to successfully treat any wounds for a probable recovery.

Third-degree burns can be treated by pouring bleach onto them to avoid any form of infection. After this, give the competitor a shot of brandy and he’ll be ready to roll again! In the event of another third-degree burn on top of an existing third-degree burn, we can recommend immediate amputation. Give the man another shot of brandy and find a sharp implement such as an egg whisk to perform the operation. Enjoy!


  1. I was brought up with hot water bottles, pre-electric blanket days and all that. (I know, ‘looxury – when I were a lad, we used to freeze to death every night and then our Dad would thrash us awake to chip the ice off the pond so we could bathe’). The point of my tale being that years later, when I had an American flatmate, I discovered that the word ‘hottie’ meant something quite different over there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, excellent. Yeah, I think it has something to do with a deep fried Big Mac over there, possibly.

      I’ve always used a hot water bottle, although my mother used to have an electric blanket. I find the idea of lying down on a bed of electricity a bit frightening, though. One failure and it’s disaster.

      Liked by 1 person

      • A few years back an electric blanket came close to burning my house down – I spotted the flame (off the controller unit) and smothered it with a pillow, but it was pure chance that I spotted it. Because these blankets draw such low amperage, the short wasn’t enough to blow the fuse and cut the power before it ignited. Ouch.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Gee, it seems Matthew had a hard go of it growing up.
    Perhaps a Hot Water Bottle fight should be engaged upon an electric blanket?
    Well, I’m always looking for that fourth degree burn of joviality 😀
    Have a great weekend! 😀


    • Matthew Perry? Well I think once he found Friends stardom things picked up a bit for him. I think Monica had the toughest time of it.

      Ah, I see who you mean now. Yes, well I am steering well clear of electric blankets and will… hang on, that’s a good idea! A blanket of hot water bottles! I’ve hit the motherload!

      Liked by 1 person

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