Pillow fights may be the go-to activity for loony lefty pansies scared of getting a few third-degree burns, but for real men (women aren’t allowed to play this as they aren’t stupid enough – sorry) hot water bottle fights are the way to go!
It’s the same premise – acquire a batch of recently filled (with scalding hot, boiling water) hot water bottles and begin battering the living daylights out of one another. The winner is the last man standing (or last man who is able to at least prop himself up instead of simply lying on the floor shrieking in agony). Truly, this will become a fun pastime at all sleepovers and whatnot.
Hot Water Bottle Fights
It’s a genuine desire to promote fun and wholesome activities which forces us to create many of our inventions. Some have suggested we’ve got it in for society, or we create devices which are irrationally conceived and likely to cause severe injury or death. Nonsense! To confirm this, here we have a hearty and exercise promoting activity.
Remember pillow fights? Surely you do! It was probably a sleepover at your bestie’s house and, carried away with the fantastical sense of fun, you battered the crap out of each other and destroyed a few brain cells. Good harmless fun – you never see those news stories like: “Pillow Fights Ends in Gruesome Murder” or some such. Why? As pillow fighting is fun!
Much the same for a hot water bottle fight. We tested it out the other night and, whilst hilarious, we soon learned a degree of caution is required in order to avoid life-threatening injuries. Indeed, upon battering your opponent multiple times the bottle can split and shower everyone around you in searing hot, anguish inducing, painful, and bloody unpleasant boiling water.
First and foremost, it’s probably a good idea to avoid getting boiling hot water on your exposed body. As a result, we wouldn’t recommend being naked for this activity. Indeed, we’d recommend wearing a full hazmat suit to fend off the brutal agony of a burn. As your safety is a priority, we further recommend the Freeflow Airline Chemical Suit (L) PVC Boots and Gloves at a mere £2,000 ($2,300).
Once several of you are decked out in this (use some credit cards if you’re lacking the cash, or just steal one), you’ll be largely free from injury. However, should you go ahead and do the fight starkers or in your pyjamas, do note down how to successfully treat any wounds for a probable recovery.
Third-degree burns can be treated by pouring bleach onto them to avoid any form of infection. After this, give the competitor a shot of brandy and he’ll be ready to roll again! In the event of another third-degree burn on top of an existing third-degree burn, we can recommend immediate amputation. Give the man another shot of brandy and find a sharp implement such as an egg whisk to perform the operation. Enjoy!