Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend keeps shaving his eyebrows off!”

Men and eyebrows
Eyebrows, eh? Always causing trouble.

On the face of it, the humble eyebrow isn’t the most vital human feature. We’d consider the brain, heart, and foot to be far, far more useful. However, as we’ve found out today, without eyebrows one’s world can come crumbling down around one. I say!

Eyebrows

Dear PM. My boyfriend likes to think he’s cool and up with the latest trends even though he’s 41. I think he’s scared about losing his youthful edge and doesn’t want to grow old. The apprentice at work told him shaving his eyebrows was “in” and now he’s been sporting this look for the last 12 months because people keep looking at him. He thinks this means he looks great. God! What the hell do I have to do to make him grow his eyebrows back!? He looks like a total w*****! Regards, Susan

Hey there, Susan! Yes, this is quite unusual behaviour. It’s clearly brought about by your boyfriend’s paranoia about ageing, so this is essentially a mid-life crisis of sorts. Help him to accept getting older as a natural occurrence by directing him towards more intellectually fulfilling behaviour befitting an adult, such as getting drunk at football matches and pelting empty beer bottles at rival supporters.

If he really needs to feel worthy about himself, suggest he shave his hair off and get a tattoo on his skull. We can recommend something such as “Total Bastard” to highlight what a bad ass he still is. He could also dress up in biker gear, smoke cigarettes, and refuse to move out of anyone’s way like in that music video with Richard Ashcroft from the Verve. In time, he’ll grow out of this, get a dad bod, and settle into more appropriate habits (such as growing his nose hair).

The Importance of Eyebrows

You could also try highlighting the extreme importance of eyebrows to him. There are many benefits of these things, such as the ability to form important facial expressions like: disgust, shock, horror, dismay, delight, contempt, and to alert fellow citizens if one is in the midst of a psychotic rampage.

Without eyebrows, this is no longer possible. Indeed, one merely resembles a blank-faced moron, the type of person whom people do not approach without a twinge of caution. This is entirely opposed to the ultra-cool stud your delusional boyfriend believes himself to be. So what can be done to save him?

Let’s Get Physical, Physical

It’s time for what is known as “tough love” or, as we’ve rephrased it, “violent love”. The next time he shaves his eyebrows off, force him (at knifepoint) to get the eyebrow hair out of the sink/bin and make him staple them back into his forehead.

If he complains about this, break his nose with a punch and tell him you’ll “knife him down like a bastard!” at the next hint of insurrection. After several months of this, he’ll be psychologically destroyed and likely be growing a nice array of hair across his eyes.

If he continues to shave his eyebrows despite your best efforts, all we can recommend is you give up on this zero and find yourself a hero! Real men should have enormous bushy eyebrows which get jammed up your nostrils at inopportune moments, or nearly take your eye out if he does a sudden 180 (usually if he thinks he’s heard the sounds of a burgeoning football riot). Best of luck, Susan!

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