Invention: MouthMosh (for rocking out with the benefit of fresh breath)

Mouthmosh - It does a better job than mouthwash
MouthMosh is the enigmatic purple thing in the top right. Spooky, huh?

Ages ago, we invented the moshing machine. It had to be taken off the market after it kept malfunctioning, which normally sent it juddering off wayward and causing grievous bodily harm. It’s a shame as it was great fun when it worked – is the odd shattered limb really that much of an issue? Well, apparently so. It hasn’t put us off from creating mouth mosh, however, which is designed to get you rocking out, all whilst leaving you with minty fresh breath!

Moshing is that headbanging dance rebellious, angst-ridden teenagers do. You know the type – the middle-class teenagers who have a comfortable lifestyle, but view their lives as putrid and unassailable as they’re not allowed to do absolutely everything they want to do, no matter how unreasonable. Basically, they’re finding out the world doesn’t revolve around them, so then it’s “I’m so messed up!”, “My parents are subhuman scum!”, and “I have so much angst!” etc. This is where mouthMosh kicks in, to ensure these kids can pursue their nihilistic fantasies, but with lovely smelling breath.

MouthMosh

Mouthwash is one of those strange products some people use, whilst others don’t. At Professional Moron, we know our breath smells like a billion daffodils marinated for 70,000 years in strawberry ice cream, so we’re fine. However, some people have breath which smells like a billion dog turds marinated in rotting cow pat sauce – teenagers fit the bill here, those acne-ridden youths!

We’re not being cruel, it’s just the way of the world. When you’re 15, you like bands called Faecal Matter, you dye your hair black/pink/green/blue, you go to parties to vomit in your friends’ parents bedroom, and you try and get off with Fit Fred who has a mohawk, 17 earrings, and a rebellious tattoo which says “Psycho” on his forehead. God, he’s so dreamy!

To impress that hot piece of ass, you need to be able to mosh like a mofo and smell like a Princess. It’s a contradictory combination, but it’s one which can be easily achieved by relying on mouthMosh. It’s simple, really – this stuff contains minty freshness, gin, vodka, absinthe, petrol, methylated spirits, chemical grade bleach (of course), and sugar. Swilling out your mouth with this will be enough to fuel you towards a right old bender, we can assure you!

Instructions

MouthMosh should not be mistaken for mouthwash. The former has a habit of slowly dissolving your teeth, whereas the latter is aimed at ensuring your teeth don’t rot out of your face. Do note: indulging in mouthMosh as a product will provide you with the urge to mosh – if you do not wish to mosh, please do not imbibe the product.

For those who do wish to mosh, please be aware the effects can last for up to 24 hours. If you have work to go to the next day, such as stacking supermarket shelves, you may find it difficult to perform this menial task due to the inability to stop rocking out like a mofo. This could lead to some shoppers in store misguidedly believing you are in the midst of a religious frenzy, which could see you sent off to a psychiatric ward for tests.

For safe use of the product, please only use when you have sufficient time off. Please also note your sleep will be greatly disturbed, as you will continue to rock out in your dreams, which will see your arms and legs thrashing about all over the place. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend with you, this may prove annoying. In other words – please use mouthMosh responsibly.

5 comments

  1. I don’t know? In the photo, the jar of mouthMosh looks a lot like a jar of hair setting gel. You’re not just throwing gin, vodka, absinthe, petrol, methylated spirits, chemical grade bleach into a jar of hair gel, and relabeling…. are you?

    • “You’re not just throwing gin, vodka, absinthe, petrol, methylated spirits, chemical grade bleach into a jar of hair gel, and relabeling…. are you?” Erm… no? Possibly. Allegedly – that is our official statement on the matter.

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