TV Shows That Never Were: Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Knightmares

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Knightmares
“Come on! Wipe his entrails off the counter and get moving, there are hash browns to cook, sir knight!”

Cooking shows are really, really, really popular and you have people like Sir Jamie Oliver, Lord Ainsley Harriot, and Queen Nigella Lawson teaching us things about cheffing. It’s a lot of fun, sometimes, but we prefer the whole Come Dine With Me setup where amateurs (like us) barge on in and make a horrific mess of everything. Where there is conflict, there is entertainment.

Profane madman Gordon Ramsay is, consequently, TV gold – no matter how staged it all is, or how much he hams it up, it’s fantabulous fun. Who is he? The sweary, scary bloke who dropped out of a football career due to a dodgy knee and then started a load of above average restaurants. Now he does TV shows where he helps rubbish professionals become better professionals. That’s been going on for ages, though, so we propose he takes everything up another notch with high-concept TV show cooking stuff. Thusly, behold…

Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Knightmares!

What’s better than a Knight in Shining Armour? A Knight in Shining Armour trying to do professional cooking! Seriously, you’d pay good money to watch a professional kitchen in action when the head is chef flambéying donuts, right down to the commis chef scraping the mould off cheese, and all of them are decked out in epic Medieval armour. Practical? Probably not. Fun? Hell yeah!

Armour was, typically, used to deflect massive axes as they came crashing down on poor unfortunates’ heads. These days, it’s not in use. This is a shame as, in a kitchen, it would come in handy to avoid those cuts and scrapes which occur. You’re not going to get a spitting frying pan messing up your complexion if you’re wearing full body armour, huh? Huh!?

The downsides, of course, include severe mobility issues, vision problems, chronic perspiration, a manly BO stench unrivaled anywhere else on Earth, and more frustrated obscenity hurling than a drunken football riot. Prime time television? You’d better set you VHS recorder, sir or madam, for this is your new favourite TV show… that will never exist.

Famous Episodes

The show would consist of two kitchen teams trying to out chef each other whilst in full body armour. Whoever serves up the best meal, despite the limitations, wins a 30 minute makeout session with hot stuff Gordon Ramsay. I know, right? Fantastic bloody prize right there. Here are some of the most famous episodes in this multi-award winning show.

  • When attempting to fricassee a burger, one head chef accidentally caused himself grievous bodily harm when his codpiece severed his lower extremities. I bet that was a ballache!
  • Whilst basting a chicken, one commis chef skewered his head chef in the groin when his blade of honour jabbed into him.
  • Attempting to al dente some cake, one junior cook “accidentally” fried his genitals in the deep fat fryer (there are a lot of groinal injuries in cooking, especially when Medieval garbs are involved).
  • When chopping some onions, one chef chopped his head off as he was so enthusiastically going for it – sadly, he’d removed his helmet as the constant stream of sweat had caused him to hallucinate due to severe dehydration.
  • Whilst garnishing a salad, a commis chef garrotted himself with a mace and chain, such was his enthusiasm to dribble lemon on the cucumbers.
  • One sous chef lost his kneecaps after kneading some dough, largely due to a wayward halberd. The kneecaps were later added to a hearty broth.

2 comments

  1. Okay…okay …okay….this is a bit of a violent cooking post. I just don’t know what to do anymore… as a vegetarian.
    Sigh, I might just have to give up eating altogether. At least I’ll have drinking (alcohol preferably) and smoking (anything vegetable, ie: pot).
    Whew! Thanks for the tip off!

    Like

    • Please direct all complaints about violence to Gordon Ramsay, who will politely listen to what you have to say.

      The show isn’t all violence, of course, as some things do get cooked nicely and then everyone has a big old bear hug. Lovely.

      Like

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