Exclusive Recipe: Grease on Toast (better than cheese on toast)

Grease on Toast
The grease is what you’ll need.

Grease isn’t typically thought of as an ingredient, but it’s essential if you want to get unhealthy fats into your diet. This is why our latest recipe, grease on toast, is so inspired. It takes all that leftover grease and does something with it – we’re passionate environmentalists and we hate to see stuff go to waste. Even if it’s essentially waste in its own right, which is what grease is. Waste. Greasy, slippery, oily waste.

It’s a recipe reject, in other words. If you had a dinner party, or a hot date, and you dumped a bowl of cast off grease in front of them, her, he, it, or she, they wouldn’t be overly impressed. This simply highlights the snobbery inherent in society – people have the effrontery to dismiss something based on long standing prejudices about grease. Well we’re sick of it, so embrace grease on toast today or get the Hell off our website!

Grease on Toast

You’ll need to buy a lot of vegetable oil in order to make grease on toast. You’ll also need a load of bread, which is the foodstuff which evolves into toast when partially incinerated. We can recommend at least 50 litres of oil and (as the stuff rots at an alarming rate) around one loaf of, preferably, brown bread. Come on, you’re not a five year old – brown bread is delicious and healthy.

To make grease on toast, tip a litre of vegetable oil into a pan and turn your cooker to the maximum. Once it starts bubbling, fizzing, spitting, and frothing wildly, leave it like this for a good three hours to ensure the oil is properly cooked. It’s been noted by us that undercooked oil can lead to food poisoning. So be careful!

Do stand well back, of course, as if any errant bits of oil hit you then it would be like that bit in Alien when Sir Ian Holm chops at the face hugger and the acid nearly goes through the hull of the ship. You don’t want that – your limbs are important. Without them, you won’t be able to make grease on toast.

Anyway, once three hours have elapsed you can turn off the cooker and prep your bread. Bung a few slices into your toaster and let them toast. Once toasted, add them to a bowl and then tip a liberal amount of grease onto the toast. Add black pepper for seasoning. Salt can also be added, as can a knob (lol) of butter, or a dash of cinnamon.


There’s a slight atmosphere of trepidation amongst our readers – we can sense it. Rest assured, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has been eating this recipe non-stop through the month of July (this one we’re in right now, if you’ve forgotten) and proclaims it to be: “Like French toast, but more confusing.” It’s also been noted he’s been falling over a great deal more due to the sheer volume of grease on his fingers.

Foodstuffs utterly submerged in grease may not quite be everyone’s dream dish, but if you’re a bit drunk, stupid, or malleable enough to be trying out these ridiculous things we keep coming up with, then it’ll suffice. Better yet, you can stick Grease on whilst you’re cooking away and make some shapes as John Travolta and Olivia-Newton John bust out some grooves – this will be doubly easy if some bubbling grease hits you, as you’ll burst into a frenzy of agony instantaneously. Handy!


  1. Finally, a vegetarian recipe! The whole wheat bread is a health food thing, so I see this as a healthy vegan summer meal. A side salad would be a nice touch. Perhaps you have a salad dressing recipe made out of the leftover, leftover grease?


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