If you’re super lazy like we are, then taking a bit of exercise is akin to climbing Mount Everest in nothing but pink speedos. Tough going! It doesn’t have to be this way, of course. You can simply take performance enhancing drugs, get some liposuction, or have someone do your exercise for you. Like the sound of the latter? Well, you’re in luck!
With the Remote Constroll you’ll be about to hand a remote control to a person you know and love, who will press the Stroll button whenever they believe you could benefit from some moderate exercise. You can always rely on a bestie, your significant other, or some random person you meet in the street to take care of your personal wellbeing, so just charge your remote, insert the Constroll chip forcibly into your face (up a nostril will do) and you’ll be all set!
The Remote Constroll
As mentioned above, the Constroll chip (a state of the art device capable of taking over the strolling segment of your brain to make you stroll) is inserted into your face and then you have the non-ability to make others make you stroll. There are several stroll speed settings in place to ensure you’re able to go at the rate the remote control holder prefers. These settings are:
- Play: This will get you moving at a steady stroll – this is the default setting
- Fast forward: Begin sprinting at an uncontrollable rate which may induce panic into the former stroller
- Rewind: An alarming setting which could result in a hideous accident for the wannabe stroller – only use as a last resort (i.e. the person strolling has accidentally strolled into a sewer)
- Pause: Provides all concerned with a bit of a rest
- Stop: Brings to a cessation the stroll
- That Blue Button: No one knows what this does, but it probably does something
- Record: Record the endless profanity and screams of dismay of the stroller/sprinter/rewinder for posterity or for blackmail purposes
- Subtitles: Add subtitles to the previous recording to upload to YouTube
As you may be able to tell, it’s imperative you don’t handle the remote control of the Remote Constroll over to anybody you’d consider to be a bit, you know, dodgy. Should the control fall into the wrong hands, all manner of horrendous things could befall you.
Things to Avoid
For your safety, we will list out some of the recommended scenarios you do not wish to indulge in for your general safety and wellbeing. Pay heed, consumer, or you may meet with a fate worse than death (i.e. severe agony or humiliation, followed by death).
- The Wrong Trousers: Don’t relive that episode of Wallace and Gromit by handing the controls to a known, or unknown, criminal. You do not want to be caught up in a robbery, for instance, we can assure you.
- Criminals: Avoid criminals, known or otherwise, in general. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, made the mistake, whilst trialling the device, to hand over, whilst explaining the contraption’s purpose, to a youth of around 15 with acne and a stench of alcohol and dubiousness about him. Mr. Wapojif was found three hours later ram raiding an off licence in Greater Manchester in order to steal “booze, beer, nuts, and condiments” – Mr. Wapojif later explained the incident to incredulous police officers, whom handed Mr. Wapojif a night in the cells.
- Technophobes: The controls are no use in the hands of technophobes, who could easily send you sprinting into oncoming traffic instead of enjoying a nice, peaceful stroll one evening.
- Animals: DO NOT hand the controls over to a monkey, cat, dog, rat, parrot, or any other animal you can think of (except, perhaps, a sloth) – our office pet hamster Steve, for instance, sent Mr. Wapojif on a five hour sprint through Manchester city centre, stopped only when our esteemed editor was run over by a chav on a scooter. Classy.