Great Films That Never Were: American Snipper

American Snipper
Snippity snip!

Never underestimate the power of a haircut! Well… do underestimate if, like us, you’re a skinhead batch of thugs, but we remember having hair. It’s as if we’ve woken from a dream where we were men with hair, found the experience revolting, and discovered the joys of taking a shower and not having to arse about drying one’s hair, then styling it, then seeing our do ruined by, for instance, a strong gust of wing. Wind, sorry.

Lots of people, specifically Americans, do have hair, though. Naturally, these people require haircuts. Cue Clint Eastwood – he’s had a haircut or two during his time! After the success of hit film American Sniper, we think the perfect sequel for Eastwood would be American Snipper, a story about a patriotic barber who’s the best goddamn barber in the whole of ‘Murricah. Hell yeah!

American Snipper

It must be a bit of a strange job – hairdressers are, essentially, human hair gardeners. By heck, some people are really fussy about their hair, too, and not wishing to stereotype but most of those people are women! Without women, hair wouldn’t be such an issue. With women, hair is an essential thing along the same scale as global nuclear disarmament.

This would influence the plot of American Snipper – through a convoluted series of events, America’s best hairdressers would have to congregate at Times Square in New York and cut as many peoples’ hair as possible to disarm 1,000 nuclear warheads. We haven’t been able to think of a credible reason why cutting hair would disarm an atom bomb, so have plumped for a “because it’s what God wants”. This will suffice. We expect this script to bag an Oscar.

Anyway, the film would follow three plucky young hairdressers determined to disarm the most nuclear warheads. Played by Kiefer Sutherland, Sir Helen Mirren, and Ryan Gosling, the character arcs would take the three on an emotional roller-coaster of cramp, snipped ears and light bleeding, unhappy customers, hair cutting montage sequences with a Haircut 100 soundtrack, and plenty of “WE’RE RUNNING OUR OF TIME!” screams from former 24 star Sutherland.

Oscar  Material

With its heady themes of saving the day, mindless patriotism, the existential nature of hair, and uplifting themes of sporting an awesome do in the face of impending apocalypse, we can see American Snipper bagging Eastwood a Best Director Oscar. Sir Helen Mirren would also win Best Actor for his stirring role as upcoming hairdresser Lucy, whose maverick rule breaking saves the day on many an occasion.

There would be a big twist ending with this one, too, which would amaze audiences around the world. They’d literally be leaving the cinema going, “How did they think of that?! OMG, it was amazeballs!” – I know, right? The twist, then, would be it turns out the world’s balding politicians coerced with one another to set the doomsday devices off due to hair envy!

This would trigger off a global franchise with multiple sequels to tell this essential story – American Snipper II: Toupée Warfare, American Snipper III: Wig Wasteland, and a prequel titled American Snipper Exodus: Premature Balding. You’ll never be able to go to the hairdresser the same way again. Why? As in the hairdresser, no one can hear your internal scream of, “Bloody hell! She just snagged my earlobe!”. Indeed.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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