Storm Brian has barged into the UK with high-speed winds and lots of rain, making England resemble what England is normally like, but with the dial turned up a tad. As citizens quake indoors at the might of mother nature, there has been plenty of time for questions to be asked about the continued stupidity related to storm naming.
In the UK, the National Storm Naming Committee meets whenever a storm is expected. During the meeting, they decide the name of the storm and apply it accordingly. Thusly, as chaos reigns, the general public can relax in the knowledge the likes of Storm Jeff, Storm Bob, and Storm Jennifer don’t really have it in for you, they’re just having a bit of a temper tantrum.
Politicians urged concerned members of the public to watch Monty Python’s Life of Brian during the rampage in order to look on the bright side of life. Professional Moron took to the streets of Manchester to question citizens if they would be doing so, but most people were too busy fleeing for their lives to offer more than “Get out of my way, you ****tard!” etc.
We contacted the National Storm Naming Committee about why storms receive such stupid names and the Community Manager, Mr. Stormy Storm (who changed his name by deed poll in 1977), stated:
"What are you talking about? The storms receive excellent names, with Storm Brian being a work of genius. Our tea lady, Doreen, thought of this one following our 12 hour brainstorming session. The best one we'd come up with was Storm Brain, then Doreen walked in and said: 'Why don't you call It Brian?' and we ran over her and hugged her until she stopped breathing. She's in hospital right now recovering with a burst eardrum, stress, and a muffled hairdo."
Mr. Storm refused to make further comments and, the more we pressed him about storm naming traditions, the more abusive he became. Eventually, he referred to our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, as a “halfwit” and suggested: “you should take yourself, and your stupid wupid website, back to Africa.”
Better Storm Naming
Whilst storm naming may be a dying art (the school of thought is, as so many storms have been named there aren’t any good names left to choose), we at Professional Moron believe there is still hope. Imagination is all that it takes and, thusly, we’ve come up with 10 storm names for folks to use – free of charge! Help yourselves.
- Storm Bastard: An apt name, wouldn’t you say?
- Storm Wapojif: Narcissistic, maybe, but then that’s our esteemed editor for you!
- Storm Professional Moron: Really good advertising for our website, we think.
- Storm William Shakespeare: Why not add a bit of class to proceedings?
- Storm Bubble Gum: Or a sense of fun?
- Stormy Warmy Dormy Gormy: Or a sense of puerile studpity?
- Storm LOL: Maybe this would stop people from using that goddamn acronym.
- Storm YOLO: A timely realisation when facing down a monstrous storm.
- Storm Yawn: Mock the storm. Make it feel insignificant. On Jupiter, the Great Red Spot is three times the size of Earth and has raged for at least 400 years. You call that a storm, Storm Brian? Bloody amateur.
- Storm: Just a thought – do we really need to name these things? When there’s a storm, how about we just call it a storm?