Great TV Shows That Never Were: Braking Bad

A brake with a min wincing about how badly it's gone
Nice brake.

Anyone missing hit TV show Breaking Bad can rest happy in the knowledge Professional Moron is looking to bring a spin-off in. If Better Call Saul hasn’t been enough already, then Braking Bad is just what you’ve been waiting for, especially if you love motor vehicles such as cars, trucks, vans, and hearses. Brrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!

We toyed with the idea of calling it Braking Badly, but went for Braking Bad instead to really fob the show’s fanbase off as much as possible. Simply put, this is a low budget compilation show displaying a load of CCTV footage of drivers around the world braking bad(ly). If that wasn’t exciting enough, it’s presented by Chris Evans following on from his disastrous turn on the BBC’s equally disastrous Top Gear reboot (we asked Bryan Cranston to do it, but he’s apparently too busy being successful). It’ll be reveting!

Braking Bad

Compilation shows of people being stupid and clumsy are nothing new, it’s just this one is a really unashamedly cynical attempt to dupe a load of Breaking Bad fans to watch the first few episodes before quitting in disgust. We reckon it’ll help bump viewing figures up by several million, surely enough to warrant a second series before the show plunges from the airwaves due to being rubbish.

Each episode would be made up of 30 minutes of people from around the world being bad drivers. Braking Bad is, quite literally, about people braking badly, steering badly, and driving badly. As you watch enthralled as individuals do things such as running into the back of other drivers, Chris Evans will narrate episodes with his irritatingly chirpy voice. Quips such as “Whoopsie!”, “No one would buy that for a dollar!”, and “No way!” will become the show’s catchphrases.

Anticipating terrible viewing figures after Breaking Bad fans realise they’ve been conned, plus a potential backlash at such shameless trickery, we’d drop the budget by half for season two and await the show’s inevitable cancellation. It would all end in acrimony and turmoil, with show backers AMC calling Braking Bad “the worst decision we ever made, except for letting Rick Grimes grow a beard.” Indeed.

Best Moments

Still, with thousands of clips to view  there would be a few top moments to try and remember Braking Bad fondly by. Let’s take a look at just what those well and truly were and keep them in need the next time you seat yourself in your automobile, you crazy driver, you.

  • Barmy Britain: The UK special filled with halfwit Brits getting lost, confusing the motorway hard-shoulder for a learned friend to turn to, drink driving, and trying to ram-raid Buckingham Palace. When you’re British, it’s always achievable – that’s the spirit of Dunkirk!
  • The Truck Incident: A truck driver forgets he’s driving a truck and pulls into a McDonald’s drive-through, demolishing the building and everyone in it in a matter of seconds.
  • The Van Incident: A van driver thinks he’s driving a truck and attempts to overtake a police car and flip the copper off, but the copper sees him, arrests him, and the driver is left embarrassed by his stupidity. Later, he ram-raids a birthday card shop with his van to avoid having to spend $3 on the card for his one year old daughter, stating: “Well she’s not going to remember it anyway, so it wasn’t that stupid, was it?!”.
  • Avoiding the Horse: One clip shows a 70+ year old boy racer taking a bend in his Ford Escort at 80mph, coming face to face with a horse, and deciding to spare the horse by driving off the edge of a 300ft cliff. For his self-sacrifice, the OAP would later be knighted by the Queen: Sir Gentleman Who Avoided the Horse (his corpse was obliterated beyond indentification, hence the uncertainty).
  • Indicating Ian: A man from Kent, Ian, decided his best chance of avoiding an accident was to keep indicating left at all times whilst driving, including if he was turning right. The confusion this generated amongst other drivers ensured he always had right of way. Sadly, one day he accidentally turned the windscreen wipers on by accident and plunged off the cliffs of Dover and into the sea.

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