Bands need names in the way names need something to attach themselves to. But what’s in a name, anyway? Everything, doofus! If, say, you’re called Dumbo McPorkyfeatures you’re not going to have the same type of experience as if, for instance, your name is Arnold Schwarzenegger, Johnny Depp, or Marisa Tomei. Their names have a flow which Dumbo McPorkyfeatures can only dream of.
Consequently, it’s essential to have an amazing name to match your amazing music. If the Beatles had been called the Excrements, for example, history would have been a tad more different. Right? You get the idea. Thusly, here are a load of famous bands renamed all for the sake of your well-being. Hurray.
Had the members of the Who been upper class, then the Whom would have graced numerous stages during the ’60s and ’70s. Golly gosh! Hits such as One Shall Not Be Deceived Again, One’s Generation, One Cannot Explain, One Can See For Miles, and Magic Limousine would have sent the band to stardom and back again.
Lead Generation Zeppelin
Always ahead of the game, Lead Generation Zeppelin would have been a band about that most essential of contemporary business practices: lead generation. Yes! Hits such as Whole Lotta Lead Generation, When the Lead Generation Breaks, The Lead Generation Song, and Stairway to Lead Generation may have been cynical corporate exercises, but when the songs are that good, who cares?!
The Heebie Bee Gees
Quite why the Bee Gees didn’t write the soundtrack for a horror film we don’t know, we guess the band was too busy… stayin’ alive.
The Bleach Boys
Surf music extraordinaires, the Beach Boys wouldn’t have been able to attend the beach if they’d have enjoyed bleach a touch more. Thusly, the Bleach Boys would have penned songs such as Bad Vibrations to record the deterioration within their bodies due to harsh chemical bleach. Goddamn hippies. Get a job!
Puns and Roses
If it’s puns you want, go to Puns and Roses. Squealing guitar solos? Yes. Pounding drums? Yes. Terrible puns? Hell yeah!
The Stoned Roses
Manchester’s finest wouldn’t have been so fine if they were stoned all the time. So, it’s just as well they all preferred cocaine…
U2 is a popular Irish band but, had the members spawned from Northern England, it would have been named UWot. Indeed.
Godawful grunge thrashers the Poo Fighters do, at least, have one of the funnier names in the industry. Hurray.
Shock punk rockers from the 1970s who would have been a lot better off with the above name. Lovely.
Pubic Image Ltd.
After the Love Pistols, John Lydon went rogue and created this repulsively named excuse for a band. What the Hell?!
Brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher briefly ran with Oasis, but got bored of the idea and plumped for the above instead. A wise decision.
German experimental legends Can thought long and hard about using Tin. Due to Tintin, however, the members went for Can, as singer Damo Suzuki was really fond of baked beans at the time.
The Rotating Stones
Mick Jagger, apparently, wanted the Rolling Stones to be called this. It went down to a drinking competition between him and Keith Richards – last man standing names the band! It goes without saying, Richards won.
Religious education enthusiasts Michael Stipe and co. penned those big hits such as Not Losing My Religion. They were a massive band… and they loved R.E.
Featuring musician stalwarts Levon Helm, Rick Danko, and friends, the Banned specialised in writing controversial songs which would get banned by the BBC. As a consequence, the press exposure from being banned would lead to greater single sales, no matter how rubbish the song, and loadsa money. Hurray!