Exclusive Invention: The Alarm Bull (better than an alarm bell)

A bull
There’s no snooze button with this guy, we assure you.

If you’re suffering the crippling effects of austerity in the UK, then you’ll want to capitalise on cash saving opportunities no matter how ridiculous they may be. Take the doorbull from the day that was known as yesterday – what if you want to use your bull for something else? Well, now there’s the alarm bull! This handy invention will wake you up at specific times of day (i.e. the morning).

To do this, your bull will use a range of guttural noises to ensure your sleep comes to a confusing end – mooing, bellowing, snorting, grunting, and hoof scraping are all part and parcel of the bull’s methods of getting you out of your slumber. Who needs an alarm bell when you’ve got a 2,000 pound bull for company?

The Alarm Bull

It’s so simple to setup, too, and doesn’t require any batteries! All you have to do is, when you’re off to bed at night, simply bring the doorbull upstairs into your bedroom and order it to wake you up at whatever time you need to get up. The simplicity of this invention is genuinely genius, we have to admit.

Of course, this does mean your front door will be unguarded and burglars will be free to rob your home as you sleep. Hmmmmm… that’s a difficult one – have one’s home robbed, or lack the essential slumber ending screech of an alarm bull? Life is all about difficult decisions like this, but to simplify the matter we’re suggesting you purchase a second doorbull who can double up as a doorbull and alarm bull.

Better yet, we’re offering a special discount price to Professional Moron readers: buy one doorbull, get the second doorbull with an incremental 1% discount applied proportionally over six months with an APR of 0.5%.

Thusly, you’re free to interchange the doorbull and the alarm bull as you see fit. Plus, the bulls will appreciate some company from a member of bullkind. Also, if you’re a heavy sleeper and fail to awake, the bull will become outraged and will begin ramming your bed with considerable violence to get you up.

We realise this doesn’t really tie in with the previous paragraph, but we’re simply so excited about our inventions we need to lay down for a kip (of course, our alarm bull will be waking us up and our doorbull will be guarding our office entrance!).

“What’s With The Bulls?!”

What do you mean? This is a perfectly acceptable way of creating an exciting new range of bells, it also provides sentient cattle with an interesting and rewarding new line of work. Only a caustic cretin would deny the doorbull and the alarm bull will enrich many millions of lives in 2018 (whilst making us stinking rich, of course).

The fantastic news is, we’ve created a patent and this should be processed within a few weeks. Then we need to return our two test bulls we stole from the local farm, before legally purchasing baby bulls (known as bollocks) to rear – rest assured, we treat our bulls with 5 star treatment. Indeed, they’ll all be living in Hilton Hotel in Manchester city centre whilst us scrubs putrify in our office with its broken, electricity buzzing lights. Indeed, we’re feeling bullish about out next business venture.


  1. Thisisfabululous! I want in on this patent.
    However, if you are going to lay down for a kip, I can’t support anything that endorses cruelty to kippers.
    Perhaps the young bulls should board at my place?
    They do use cat litter… right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • We didn’t put that much thought into it. Simply put, there’s a bull who bellows when it’s time to wake up… maybe we could use Brian Blessed instead, if he’s available for work.


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