Exclusive Therapy: Wait Training (training you to be better at waiting)

Wait Training
Wait for it!

Waiting is a part of life. Some people are patient and can wait, others are impatient and cannot wait. You can always tell the latter as they’re the ones waiting in queues tapping their foot, tutting, and saying things such as, “Been waiting here, like, you know, like five minutes!” in the hope someone will hear them, but not in the sense the person would come over and then punch them for being impatient.

With our patented wait training classes, we’ll ensure you never take a punch to the fizzog ever again! Learn to master the art of waiting – stoic reserve, stiff upper lip grit, and polite head shaking are all the name of the game. Indeed, you’ll become so bloody good at waiting you’ll be able to enter the 2018 Patience Championships – absolutely worth paying us £100 an hour for, right?

Wait Training

The classes are held thrice a week and, typically, last for numerous hours at a time. The central aspect of the training is to get involved with particularly annoying bouts of lingering. Being English here at Professional Moron, we’ve perfected the art of standing patiently in queues. With this learned knowledge, we’ll impart onto you the skills required to not get irate when waiting.

First up, we’ll take you for a trip to the bank to withdraw £100 in 1p pieces. Ignore the grumbles of complaint as the queue extends out into the street behind you as the bank person counts out every penny for over the course of four hours. This is the first major test in your wait training – you’ll want to cry, you’ll want to sleep, you’ll be so bored listening to rap music would seem preferable, but you have to stick in there to get your first certificate!

For the second stage, we’ll take you out in Manchester on a Friday night. Then, at 1am, you’ll drunkenly stagger to a fast food joint where you can jostle with 100 or so wasted students and wait patiently for you order of a pizza and kebab. As you start to get sleepy, perhaps even puking a little bit, you’ll wonder if your order will ever be ready – a seeming eternity will pass until, bam, you order is called and, pale and haggard, you collect it, take a solitary bite, and then pass out in a pool of vomit.

During this phase, we’ll wait grade you on your ability to remain came and collected. If you engage any students in fisticuffs, you will be disqualified. If you head into the fast food joint to berate the overworked staff, you will be disqualified. If you pass out before your order is ready, you’ll be disqualified. Should you succeed in all areas, you’re ready for the…

2018 Patience Championship

This annual championship is only for the most patient in the land! Now you’ve proven your mettle (or mental, one of those two), you’ll be entered into the 2018 Patience Championship! Hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, this event offers a £1 million pound reward for anyone who can complete the tasks without succumbing to any of the following identified modes of disqualification: death, severe injury, or an intemperate outburst.

The wait training exercises here will test anyone’s resolve. They’ll include having to patiently wait behind slow walking people in a narrow corridor, sitting on a crowded bus with braying school children in their face, sitting on the train next to someone chewing gum with their mouth open, and waiting for brown rice to boil. Should you succeed, the spoils would be yours, champion!


    • I asked him the same question back in February 2003, shortly before Digitiser’s first 10 year run came to an end. It got posted on the letters page, but with no response. No proper response this time, either. Harummmphhh!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I could hardly wait to finish reading this post! Obviously, I need to sign up for the course. I’m a shoo-in to win the Patience Championship. Do you have the £1 million prize ready? Once I’ve won, I won’t want to wait around.


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