Exclusive New Sport: G&OLF (Gandolf Related Golf)

Gandalf in Lego form
“I’ve just picked my nose free of bogeys, now it’s time to get a bogey. Let’s play!”

After the success of G&OLF in our 10 Exciting New Words for the Sports Industry, we decided to take the idea a step further and implement our ideation. In normal English, we mean we’ve introduced the sport to the world, much to the probable delight of Lord of the Rings (and golf) enthusiasts everywhere!

Basically, it’s the sport golf but absolutely everyone has to dress up as Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. This includes affecting his deep, resonating voice, growing a huge beard (even if you’re a woman), and learning a few magical spells to make this game a bit less mind numbing to watch.

G&OLF

It’s the usual stuff, really, you just have to hit a ball into a hole across some patch of field. There’s a noticeable twist, however, asides from the dressing up bit, as players are encouraged to use magic to get the ball into the hole as quickly as possible. Of course, magic isn’t real so everyone has to use their noggins to come up with interesting ways of completing their onerous task.

Pyrotechnics and whatnot are a good way of achieving this – explosions get the ball rolling along towards its destination. As such, G&OLF promotes the use of dangerous weapons in order to complete the game. The Professional Moron staff completed a few test runs at a golf course outside of Manchester and, although initially blocked from entering the premises, as soon as Mr. Wapojif homed into view with a bazooka the staff let us on in.

The police arrived soon after and there was a bit of a standoff whilst we attempted to wrap up our game of G&OLF, but we were eventually arrested. However, we were able to determine firing a bazooka at a golf ball (along with strategically positioning land mines across the course to continue the ball’s momentum) makes it move at a fair old rate. It’s at this moment we realised the sport was far from a crazed consideration – it’s got real worth behind it!

It’s a Kind of Magic

Of course, anyone attending a G&OLF match must also turn up dressed as Gandalf. It’s just the rules, you have to do it or you’ll be ejected from the course! Spectator safety is at a premium, too, to ensure no one is blown to smithereens by accident (or hit by any errant balls). As such, spectators must stand in designated spectator areas which are made out of lead and are guarded by heavyset bouncers.

Spectators must also be prepared to behave in a manner befitting Gandalf at all times. This includes no drunken behaviour, speaking in a deep booming voice, tripping over your stupid big beard, and gargling mouthwash. The latter, which is the only liquid available at G&OLF events, will be available liberally and will be handed over to you upon arrival. Please note – do not drink the mouthwash. It is for gargling purposes only.

7 comments

  1. The appropriate response to sinking the ball in par in G&OLF is, of course, to say “a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to”. Failure to utter this phrase on scoring a par should be heftily penalised.

    Liked by 2 people

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