Envelopes are interesting things. You write a letter, put it in the envelope, and then this bit of paper goes on this huge journey to meet someone and deliver the letter. It’s really noble, we think, and we just had a good cry about how brave envelopes are. Regardless, they need improving, so we’ve come up with the envebloke, which is an envelope for men only.
It may seem like a stupid business tactic to remove an entire gender from our potential sales, but rest assured – we know what we’re doing. Indeed, men will simply have to get the envebloke and women, of course, will be outraged they’re not allowed to have the envebloke, which will drive up sales through the controversy involved. Great tactic, right?
With the controversial envebloke causing ructions between genders, we’d then release a standard range of envelopes which both genders would be allowed to purchase. Women would then rush out into the street to get their hands on these normal envelopes and we, of course, would bask in the glory of another successful business venture. Smart business acumen, non?
Oui! Of course, with all the negative press and time-consuming enquiries from Consumer Watchdog organisations, we’d also get a lot of hate mail from irate women. Letters such as this:
"Dear bastard - You make a product and make it for women only?! I say to you, sir, that you are a pig and a stupid one at that! Good day! Regards, Susan Susanson
Under the belief all news coverage is good, we’d then bait these women by releasing a NEW RANGE of enveblokes, this time detailing why women aren’t allowed to buy them! In a long and rambling polemic about the nature of femininity, the press release accompanying the new range would make it clear, in summary, women are just a bit too stupid to purchase enveblokes.
Naturally, the subsequent furore would launch a government investigation into our business dealings, at which point we’d offer a bribe of £30 to get them to back off. This bribe would fail and our envebloke business would receive a hefty fine of £400,000, to pay which we’d stick the envebloke prices up by 70%, as well as lift the embargo on women so they can buy the things and help pay our fine.
Learning from our experience above, we’d stick to make good old fashioned, normal envelopes available to all ages, genders, and temperaments. Good old fashioned envelopes. High-quality paper with a dash of asbestos to keep the fibre intact for longer, ensuring your rambling letters to family members arrive in pristine condition.
We’re also planning on introducing all manner of new ranges, such as eggvelopes (envelopes made out of egg), Benvelopes (envelopes for people called Ben), penvelopes (envelopes made out of pens), velopes (envelopes without the fastening bit at the top), and bleachvelopes (envelopes made out of chemical grade bleach). Stay tuned for plenty of exciting envelope developments!