Helicopters are useful for flying stuff around, but tigers aren’t as useful to humans as that. Simply put, you can’t climb inside a tiger, rev up its engine, and fly off to, for example, Denmark. No, this is what’s known as a physical impossibility, which is the worst type of impossible possibility available.

What you can do, though, is train a tiger to fly a helicopter. The helicopter then becomes known as the helicoptiger. There’s no purpose to this in the slightest, other than to provide tigers with an exciting new line of work, and to train the tigers is very difficult (our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, receiving numerous maulings for his efforts), but we think you’ll all agree it’s totally worth the effort.

The Helicoptiger

To see a tiger flying a helicopter is one of the great natural wonders of the world. In fact, you’ve not seen true magnificence until you’ve seen a Bengal tiger at the helm of a helicopter, roaring away as it swoops between skyscrapers in some city somewhere. Now that is something to behold.

To get to that stage, as aforementioned, they need training. Now, Mr. Wapojif is no lion tamer, but he is a tiger tamer, which is handy. Thusly, he went out to train some tigers. First, he stole a helicopter, took it to the tiger he’d stolen (which we kept in the Professional Moron office), and then got the tiger on helicopter video games (like that bit in Grand Theft Auto) for prep.

After this, the tiger was really eager to get into the helicopter and try it out for real. We were impressed by Mark’s (our tiger’s name) ability to quickly adapt to the real life helicopter, even if he did start chewing on the seats before taking off and crash landing on next door’s Ford Escort.

He soon got the hang of it, though, but we must admit it’s positively terrifying if you’re a passenger as the tiger isn’t the best pilot money can buy, plus Mark does have a tendency to get a bit peckish at random intervals. We kept a packet of crisps handy to feed to him whenever he looked like he was about to savage us. See? Clever.

Tiger Airways

With our pilot Mark in action, we opened up Tiger Airways here in Manchester. Customers can pay us £1,000 and they’ll take off from out back behind the office with Mark, who’ll fly them to whatever depraved destination they have in mind. Business is pretty good, although several customers were eaten alive during the journey. The press had a field day with that, we can tell you.

So Mark can have a day off every now and then to prowl the streets, we’ve also taken on board the next door neighbour’s cat, Fluffy, who has proven to be a pretty skilled helicopter pilot. Yesterday, she flew a business mogul to the Hilton hotel and was tipped $10. Later, she collected the mogul to take him somewhere else, so impressed was the mogul with our pilot, but unfortunately Fluffy crashed the helicopter into a river after taking a nap at the wheel.

Fluffy was fine, thankfully, but the helicopter is trashed and the business mogul, who lost a leg in the smash, is suing us for negligence. We’ve prepped Mark and expect the business mogul will disappear sometime soon. We’re not sure where. We’re not insinuating anything. But it’ll probably be into Mark’s belly. You didn’t hear that here first.