Great TV Shows That Never Were: The Simpering Sons (better than The Simpsons)

The Simpsons
What? There’s no plagiarism here, it’s just a standard house.

The Simpsons is a world famous TV show, so why not capitalise on its success by making some low budget, barely worthwhile, utterly heinous, low blow rip offs? This is why we decided the Simpering Sons would be a brilliant idea, which is a television show about some sons… whom simper a lot.

Good idea, right? Well it would seem like it, going through pre-production, post-production, and wallowing in the contempt of millions pointing out your lazy attempt at moneymaking, and then a big old lawsuit would arrive from Matt Groening. Right? WRONG! Because he’d never see the show, as it’d be cancelled after terrified TV execs saw the pilot. Hell yeah!

The Simpering Sons

How does one go about making a pilot so utterly contemptible it ensures the show crashes and burns before it even has a chance? Pretty easy, really: a lack of a talent, laziness, and scurvy (the latter ensures you can’t do anything good, no matter how hard you try). With these skill sets in tow, you’re guaranteed to have a stinker on your hands! Our premise for the Simpering Sons is this:

Synopsis: A couple (probably late 30s) called Margarine and Home Run (the latter’s father really loved baseball) have several sons and a daughter. The sons are called Brat and Brat Jnr., whilst the daughter is called Liza. The sons simper a lot and are really rather caustic, which causes much mischief and mayhem as this oddball family attempts to exist on a day-to-day basis. Ahahaha!

In the one and only episode, Mr. and Mrs. Simper have to bake a cake for Liza’s birthday, but the sons are such miserable gits they refuse to allow it. After many comical mishaps, such as Home Run furtively attempting to bake a cake on the roof of the house, Brat Jnr. ultimately provides Liza with an ultimatum (rather than a cake). The ultimatum is – score a home run, or you’re out of the family.

So, the family heads off for an impromptu game of baseball, but Home Run gets so into it he falls over and suffers a bone crunching, limb shattering injury. As he screams sweet bloody murder, the episode ends with Liza scoring a home run and Brat and Brat Jnr. beating each other up in frustration as Margarine caterwauls. Brilliant, right?

Critical & Commercial Contempt

With a certified rotten 0% score from Rotten Tomatoes, the Simpering Sons was also accused by irate TV execs of wasting its $500,000 budget. Allegedly, $495,000 went on securing Arnold Schwarzenegger for a brief cameo and promotional work in marketing communications – in the shows YouTube ad, Big Arnie stands there and menacingly announces: “Don’t skip this ad, or you’ll be terminated! Hasta la bista, baby cakes!”. Of course, everyone skipped the ad anyway and so that was wasted budget.

This left a mere $5,000 for payment to the rest of the cast and crew. It’s believed the Brat Jnr. (who wanted to remain anonymous) wasn’t even paid for his role, although he did get a free veggie burger for one lunch break, whilst the actress playing Margarine (Sigourney Weaver) was handed a potato for her month of dedication to the role. It really was a sorry state of affairs.

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