Yeah, we had the porbridge last week, but this mother is better! Bridges and fridges (i.e. refrigerators) are two items ubiquitous in the modern world. Without fridges, we would all die horribly (due to unsafe food and no ice cubes). Without bridges, we’d all plunge over cliffs into water in a confused mass of stupidity. It would be terrible. Luckily, though, they both exist. Lucky!
Sadly, your average refrigerator lifespan isn’t overly glorious. Fridges live for about 60/70 years, depending on whether you turn them on or not. If you turn them on, they go on for about 20 years. Bridges, meanwhile, live for millions of years. Indeed, see the Millau Viaduct? That was built by the Mayans 70 billion years ago. Fact. But, they didn’t have refrigerators back then. Unlucky!
“Complex situations need simple solutions in order to obfuscate through ephemeral decadence.” – Mr. Wapojif, the esteemed editor of Professional Moron. He also added, “Poopy pants, wee wee, and candid effluence!” in a high-pitched shriek after the former bit. Now you know why we don’t go to him for any sort of quote on anything.
Anyway, he came up with the refbridgerator – one of his worst ever inventions – so we now have to write about it. Apparently, Mr. Wapojif thinks it’s a terrific idea to round up all the dead refrigerators and use them to build bridges in “Wales, Scunthorpe, and that bit between England and the France” (the English Channel, in other words).
Sourcing the fridges was pretty easy, actually, we just went to the local tip and found a load. After this, we returned to the Professional Moron office and headed to our fabled back yard, where many a calamitous invention has gone horribly wrong! However, with careful instructions and procedures we were soon able to structure the fridges together to build a nifty little bridge into our next door neighbour’s garden. Success!
Unfortunately, seeing us jumping up and down for joy in his garden, Mr. Smith sure as Hell wasn’t happy about things. It may have been 11am, but he was already drunk on cider and emerged from his hovel wielding a frying pan and a fully revving chainsaw (an interesting combination). He chased after us for a good 10 minutes, too, before suffering a cardiac arrest. Lol.
Bigger Constructions, Bigger Bucks!
Such a lowly start didn’t deter us, though! Within a month we’d petitioned to Manchester County Council to let us build a bridge between Old Trafford football stadium and the town hall over a mile away (requiring over 20,000 refrigerators in total!). We were politely declined. Undeterred, we decided to go ahead with our plans anyway and turned up outside the ground at 3am in the morning.
Now, who would have thought that one of the most iconic sporting arenas on the planet has such tight security systems in place? Within 10 minutes of arriving and welding several old fridges to the side of the property, we were arrested and carted out for yet another night in the cells.
We explained the situation to the pigs (sorry, policemen) back at the station but they just all sat there with this incredulous look. Unfortunately, then Mr. Wapojif arrived to bail us out with his “homemade flamethrower” (a can of deodorant and a lighter), with a getaway vehicle of a scooter he’d found nearby. So, as he broke us out, got on his bike, and raced off into the distance by himself because he didn’t want to “share”, we were left to face the music. Bugger.