Exclusive Invention: Porbridge (a bridge made out of porridge?)

Of course you can make one of these out of oats!

Bridges are designed to get humans from one destination to another (A to B, if you will – A to Z, if you won’t), but most bridges cost a fortune to make and are generally made of out really dangerous looking stuff like steel, metal, girders, bricks, and occasionally bits of wood. The wooden bridges are the ones that got us thinking, though. If wood is enough to support humans, then so is other stuff.

That’s why we’ve constructed the very first bridge made out of porridge! We built it outside the Professional Moron office using organic, full sized porridge oats and water. Cooked in a microwave for five minutes, this stuff is fairly pliable and was certainly strong enough (sort of) for us to create the porbridge and cross it with absolutely no fatalities! Want your very own one? Here’s what’s on offer!


Numerous variants of this structure were tested extensively at the Professional Moron office to ensure maximum safety. We use only the finest porridge oats to ensure maximum tactile strength, which maximises the maximum quality of the oats to get the maximum strength, a process known as maximisation within the architecture industry.

Our beleaguered office apprentice was then ordered to test the variants over a small puddle in the back yard. Unfortunately, this did lead to him shattering several of his limbs due to disastrous tumbles from the porbridge test structures. We’d accidentally placed nuclear waste around the bridge, too, so he was rolling around in that for a fair old while. Lol.

Anyway, our apprentice turned up the next day grotesquely deformed, with a severed third and fourth arm protruding from his skull, and his buttocks had also emerged out of his eyeballs, with his eyeballs having emerged out of his erstwhile buttocks. Yeah, that’s one heck of a weird sight.

Anyway, this merely made us double our efforts as he was much heavier now, and also had trouble seeing where he was going. Thusly, we fortified the porbridge with EXTRA, EXTRA strength porridge, which ensured even a disgusting weirdo like our apprentice could get over the thing (although, naturally, he did have a few more tumbles into the leftover toxic waste we’d forgotten to clear up).

The Professional Moron Construction Company (PMCC)

Whilst our apprentice sleeps off his weirdness, we’ve formed the PMCC to assist stuff that needs bridges (well, porbridges) building over it. So far, we’ve had a contract drawn up for a porbridge to be constructed over a small puddle in Cheadle Hulme of Manchester. We’ve cordoned off the whole area in a five mile radius and anyone who wanders within this boundary is punched in the face.

The plan is to construct a 50ft by 100ft porbridge over the puddle, thusly ensuring no damsels in distress (i.e. Hipsters) get their tootsies wet. Manchester County Council suggested the water would eventually evaporate, but we told them to mind their own goddamn business. We’re the bridge building experts, they’re the cleaning up after football hooligan experts. Indeed.


  1. Oh hey, it’s the Tower Bridge. That’s the bridge a lot of people in the U.S. keep calling the London Bridge. It’s even one of the first Google Image Search results if one types “London Bridge”.

    Anyway, I think Porbridge can be used to describe any suspension bridge you may have encountered while watching a film or playing a game that always gives out when the user is about halfway across.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think I ate some of this for breakfast. The secret is to microwave the concoction indefinitely. It’s tough on the teeth but in my opinion this is the new steel and to date not subject to tariff. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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