Great TV Shows That Never Were: Sylvester Stallone Improvement

Sylvester Stallone
How do you improve on this?! There’s always a way.

Home Improvement had Tim Allen in it. The popular show ran throughout the 1990s. Even though it wasn’t any good, really. But it was harmless enough – it wasn’t going to upset any Americans as they chowed down on their ready meals. Just as well! Anything outrageous and you could choke to death on a preservative-heavy Freedom Fry.

But, now the show is over, we’re suggesting it a reboot for the new era of streaming services! As such, we’ve come up with Sylvester Stallone Improvement. It stars Tim Allen and his Home Improvement family discussing how to improve the Hollywood actor Sylvester Stallone. Sounds riveting viewing, yeah? You better believe it!

Sylvester Stallone Improvement

Okay, so the setting is the 2010s. The Tim Allen family is back and Allen is still doing home improvements because, you know, it’s the only skill he has. But! After watching The Expendables 3 he feels a bit sorry for Sylvester Stallone. It wasn’t very good, was it? Sure, Stallone was great in Creed, but that was a one off fluke, surely?!

So, Allen gets his family around thrice daily and demands they work out how to improve Sylvester Stallone. It’s a tough question: how do you improve on beefcake Stallone? Well, there’s always room for improvement. As Tim Allen well knows thanks to his career in hacking up wood to build stuff. 

The actor will have a role in the series, of course, as he establishes restraining orders and other lawsuits to keep the psycho Tim Allen family away from him. But it all begs that one resouding question… how does one improve on Sylvester Stallone?

Stalloneisodes

Episodes (or Stalloneisodes as fans of the show will call them) are set in the Tim Allen family home. At breakfast, lunch, and dinner (respectively), the family will hunch around the dinner table and debate how to improve the Hollywood actor.

At the end of each discussion, they’ll then bombard Stallone with their suggestions via email, phone calls, text messages, stalking him in the street, and other forms of general harrassment. Here are some of the best suggestions they’ll come up with during the show’s Emmy award-losing two season run of low ratings and terrible critical reception.

  • Less hair: Tim Allen suggests Stallone shave his skull to go “full macho”. Stallone responds with a restraining order.
  • More hair: Tim Allen’s daughter thinks a giant pink afro is the way forward! Stallone provides a polite “no comment” to her text message.
  • Ballet: Tim Allen’s wife thinks Stallone should go into ballet and prance his way around stages in a pink tutu. Stallone was unavailable for comment, due to filming his latest limb-shredding action blockbuster.
  • Sandwiches: Tim Allen suggests Stallone give up acting and become a professional sandwich maker. Stallone tells him, in person, to “go **** yourself”.
  • Potatoes: Tim Allen thinks Stallone should become a potato farmer. Stallone hoists Allen by the scruff of his neck and roars some incomprehensible gibberish.

5 comments

  1. I think Stallone should reconsider the “potatoes” idea. My Uncle was a potato farmer, and left millions of potato related dollars. As a niece, I got some potatoes and a lesson on grain silos!

    Liked by 1 person

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